WidowSphere: A Circle of Hope

Quotes for the Week

2012-01-25T16:09:00.001-08:00

My cats have been complaining that I have not blogged about them lately, so here are some cat quotes to placate them and amuse you. They also insisted I post their pictures. Toby is on the top left, Tiki bottom right.

Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later. - Mary Bly

A meow massages the heart. - Stuart McMillan

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. - Anonymous

A cat sees no good reason why it should obey another animal, even if it does stand on two legs.- Sarah Thompson

After scolding one's cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.- Charlotte Gray

Everything I know I learned from my cat: When you're hungry, eat. When you're tired, nap in a sunbeam. When you go to the vet's, pee on your owner. - Gary Smith

The sun rose slowly, like a fiery furball coughed up uneasily onto a sky-blue carpet by a giant unseen cat. - Michael McGarel

Margaret Atwood

2012-01-24T06:07:00.000-08:00

I postponed my Monday post because I wanted to wait until I'd heard Margaret Atwood so I could tell about that. InPrint Houston brought her here as part of their Reading Series. They've featured such famous authors as Salmon Rushdie, Amy Tan, and Joan Didion, but Atwood was the best.

A slim woman with a cloud of silvery hair, she had the 1100 people crowded into the huge auditorium spellbound as she read snippets from various publications. She had the audience in stitches with "Stone Mattress," reccently published in The New Yorker. By the time she finished the "teaser," we knew the narrator is a predatory female on the hunt for husband #5, she's on an Alaska cruise (Atwood said she wrote the story to amuse her fellow passengers on a recent cruise she took), that someone is going to die. I can't wait to download the story at the New Yorker website and read the rest. She had us laughing with a bit from a short story about a papier mache head, and we were enthralled at her reading from her latest book, The Year of the Flood.

Her sense of humor was evident. She even laughed along with us at her writing. Her wide ranging interests were also clear. She said she reads Science, The National Geographic and similar magazines to relax on planes. Her avid interest in politics was apparent as well as her interest in speculative fiction. She's written 40 books, essays, poetry.

Altogether a delightful evening.

Do you like Atwood? Have a favorite among her books? Leave a comment

Writers, Check Out These Sites

2012-01-18T18:35:00.001-08:00

Here are two sites you should definitely check:

CRWROPPS: I can never remember what the letters stand for, but it's worth subscribing to their email information. You will hear from them almost daily, with news of writing contests, writers' positions, magazines, chapbook publishers, etc. seeking submissions.

Pixelhose: This is new for me, but a writing friend entered one of their contests, which are judged by readers along with their staff. You get emails with the finalists' entries and can "like" them if you choose. Sounds worthwhile.

Any other great sites you'd like to mention? If so,

Quote for the Week

2012-01-16T19:42:00.000-08:00

If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost. That is where they should be. Now put foundations under them.
Henry David Thoreau

Creeping Through Horseradish

2012-01-16T08:25:00.001-08:00

To a widow, especially a new one, the whole world is widowhood.

Grocery shopping: The first time you're at the supermarket, it hits you. You're shopping for one now. How much to buy? All those other carts you pass are so full. Yours, not so full. And do you want to cook anyway? Your new world doesn't lend itself to gourmet food, new recipes, Everything tastes like cardboard. Maybe you'll buy a few frozen dinners and be done with it. Or stop at McDonalds and pick up a Happy Meal (There's an oxymoron for you. Meals are no longer happy when you're eating alone). But wait. Frozen dinner and fast food, Happy Meal or Whopper, will just make you feel more alone. Who knew sitting across the table from someone could mean so much? You never gave it much thought when it was an everyday occurrence.

Going to bed: Another decision. Stay on "your" side, move to the middle, sleep on "his" side because maybe you'll feel closer to him that way? Personally, I've never moved an inch away from my side.

Everything in your life seems suddenly connected to your new status. The toilet seat is always down now. You can't fasten a favorite necklace. I once woke a neighbor because I couldn't unfasten one. My burglar alarm once started beeping because its battery was low. Even with a ladder, I couldn't reach it. I swallowed my pride, marched across the street and introduced myself to a new neighbor. I hadn't met her yet but I'd noticed she was tall.

You see a couple standing shouler to shoulder in line at the movies or an elderly couple strolling hand in hand toward the park. A stab of pain and envy hits you. Why couldn't that be you and your husband? Why don't you belong to someone, with someone any more?

Those people at your office or in your book club,complaining about their spouses, they don't realize how lucky they are. Or how their complaints hurt. You want to tell them, but you keep quiet. They wouldn't understand.

But gradually some of the pain dissipates, maybe after months or years. Oh, it still comes back at time, surprising you with its intensity. You hear a song, pass a restaurant you used to love, see a couple you used to go out with, but they don't include you any more.

But you've begun to make a new life. Not because you want to, but because you must. Another Yiddish proverb says, "When one must, one can," and you've taken it to heart. New friends, new interests, bigger fasteners put on those old necklaces. You struggle out of the horseradish, and suddenly you can see the sky.

Quote for the Week

2012-01-09T18:56:00.001-08:00

I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all, I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.
Agatha Christie

Still Accepting Submissions for Anthology on Widowhood

2012-01-08T17:54:00.001-08:00

Silver Boomer Books has extended their reading period for submissions to On Our Own, an anthology about the widowhood experience, to March 31. Both prose and poetry are welcome. We've received lots of good submissions but we're a little low on ones about widows/widowers who've been successful as "survivors" and learned to manage on their own (even though it's certainly no one's choice). Some of the submissions we've received have made me cry; others have made me laugh; still others have inspired me to work harder at survivorship. If you have questions, let me know in the Comments section.

My blog refuses to allow me to do links. It says it will, but it's lying. So here is the website for Silver Boomers. www.silverboomerbooks.com. Go there and click on Call for Submissions for more info

Quote for the Week

2012-01-03T07:44:00.001-08:00

Joey Adams
May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!

Thoughts for the New Year: Your Pie Chart of Life

2012-01-01T14:55:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year, one and all. May 2012 be a year of peace and joy and good health.

Several days ago an article appeared in the op/ed section of the Houston Chronicle. It reminded us that as a new year begins, we tend to think over our financial status. Have we made sound investments? Are we diversified?

But, the authors point out, we should also be assessing our "life porfolios." They, too, should be diversified. The authors suggest we make a pie chart of the five most important areas of our lives:
family
work
community
health
spirituality

How does the chart look? Is it balanced? We might be surprised to see that only 2 percent of our life is devoted to health and exercise. Do we focus all our energies on the work section, leaving little time for family or community?

It's a new year. We can make a new start and resolve that by next year we'll lead a more balanced life. By next year our life portfolio, our pie chart, can show a change--more space for community or spirituality, those areas that we put off for the future. We can focus on things we've always wanted to do but put off for "someday." Make that someday "now."

December Books of the Month

2011-12-28T19:03:00.000-08:00

Hypothermia by Annadur Indribason. Scandinavian mysteries have really become popular since Steig Larson's "Girl" books came out. This one is an Icelandic mystery, part of a series, featuring a rather gloomy cop. He's suspicious about a suicide (Might it be murder?) and begins investigating on his own time, meanwhile also looking into some missing persons cases from long ago. This was a book club choice. I enjoyed it but don't think I'd read another of his books. Grade B

The Lazarus Child by Robert Mawson. Picked this up on a whim at Half Price Books. It's about a family whose child is comatose after being hit by a car. They seek an unorthodox treatment. I give it a B.

The Spire by Richard North Patterson. His books are good airplane reads. For me, they are what my book club members call "guilty pleasures." I must admit that all of his heroes are interchangeable, but I still enjoy the stories. This one is about a man who returns to his alma mater to take over the presidency after a scandal involving the former president. He's haunted by a murder during his senior year for which his best friend went to prison. Quick read, fun. A-

Solar by Ian McEwan. An unlikeable hero who is at the end of his fifth marriage because he's been sleeping around. It's hard to believe he's a Nobel laureate; however, he's never accomplished anything since and just lives on his reputation, until... Well, I won't give it away. This isn't my favorite McEwan book. Another B.

Gadgets that Should have been on the List but Weren't, IMHO

2011-12-27T05:29:00.000-08:00

Here are my choices of gadgets that should have been among the 101 but weren't. What do you think?

Velcro
Post it notes
Panty hose
Scotch tape
Bandaids
Turn signals for cars
Seat belts
Burglar alarms
Doorbells

Gadgets that Changed the World

2011-12-26T18:15:00.001-08:00

Last week I watched the History Channel's 101 Gadgets that Changed the World, so here's a gadget quiz. Answers are in the comments section.

1. With this, you can fix anything.
2. This gadget helped the Sun Belt grow.
3. You’ve felt the sting of this since infancy
4. Back in the day, it was cool to have one of these.
5. This was invented after the tin can.
6. Remember the game “Where in the world is Carmen San Diego?” Now we know.
7. Away from home? Away from the office? No problem if you have one of these.
8. Indispensible for women (except during the heyday of the Women’s Liberation Movement).
9. So many tools in one gadget.
10. #1 gadget—combines all the other techie things.

Memories of Grandma Z

2011-12-18T10:00:00.001-08:00

Ralph's mother died a few days ago. Tomorrow I will leave for Iowa for her funeral.

She was a small lady with twinkling eyes and a bright smile. She bore five children and had a huge flock of grandchildren and great-grandchildren. One of the great-grandkids called her Grandma Grape because she always offered him grapes when he came to visit. She taught kindergarten, was active in her small community in eastern Iowa, and never met a stranger. When she came for her last visit to Ralph, within hours she knew all the nurses on his hospital floor by name.

After Susan, her third child was born, she came down with rheumatic fever. The doctor told her she couldn't have any more children, but after a few years of good health, he agreed she could get pregnant again and she had two babies in rapid succession. Carol was the older of the last two children, she was Ralph's stem cell donor, and I fully believed she was born to save her brother's life. She would have, too, for the transplant was successful, but other medical accidents depleted whatever reserves of strength he had.

Ralph's favorite story about his mother concerned the summer he, his sister, and some neighborhood kids formed a secret club. They had a clubhouse in the back yard. Suddenly they began finding anonymous notes in the clubhouse. They couldn't figure out who left them. After a couple of weeks, the culprit confessed--it was Mom.

She was a feisty lady, very independent. When her daughters decided it was time for her to stop driving, they knew they were in for a battle, so they insisted that Ralph, who was then in the hospital, call and tell her she had to give up her driver's license. They figured since he was ill, she wouldn't be able to argue with him. They were right.

After she lost her driving privileges, she acquired a little scooter and would zip around town on it. That's how I like to remember her. She will be missed.

My Favorite Christmas Story

2011-12-11T17:53:00.000-08:00

I posted this story last year. It's my very favorite. Enjoy, and if you've read it before, enjoy it again.

A guy named Bob May, depressed and brokenhearted, stared out his drafty

apartment window into the chilly December night. His 4-year-old

daughter, Barbara, sat on his lap quietly sobbing. Bobs wife, Evelyn,

was dying of cancer. Little Barbara couldn't understand why her mommy

could never come home. Barbara looked up into her dads eyes and asked,

"Why isn't Mommy just like everybody else's Mommy?" Bob's jaw tightened and his

eyes welled with tears. Her question brought waves of grief but also of anger. It

was the story of Bob's life. Life always had to be different for Bob. Being small

when he was a kid, Bob was often bullied by other boys. He was too little at the

time to compete in sports. He was often called names he'd rather not remember.

From childhood Bob was different and never seemed to fit in. Bob did complete

college and married his loving wife and was grateful to get his job as a copywriter

at Montgomery Ward during the Great Depression. Then he was blessed with his little

girl. But it was all short-lived. Evelyn's bout with cancer stripped them of all

their savings and now Bob and his daughter were forced to live in a two-room

apartment in the Chicago slums. Evelyn died just days before Christmas in 1938.

Bob struggled to give hope to his child for whom he couldn't even afford to buy a

Christmas gift. But if he couldn't buy a gift, he was determined to make one--a

storybook.

Bob had created the animal character in his own mind and told the animal's story to

little Barbara to give her comfort and hope. Again and again Bob told the story,

embellishing it more with each telling. Who was the character? What was the story

about? The story Bob May created was his own autobiography in fable form. The

character he created was an outcast like he was. The name of the character? A

little reindeer named Rudolph with a big shiny nose.

Bob finished the book just in time to give it to his little girl on Christmas Day.

But the story doesn't end there. The general manager of Montgomery Ward caught wind

of the little storybook and offered Bob May a nominal fee to purchase the rights to

print the book. Wards went on to print the book and distribute it to children

visiting Santa Claus in their stores. By 1946 Wards had printed and distributed

more than six million copies of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. That same year a

major publisher wanted to purchase the rights from Wards to print an updated version

of the book. In an unprecedented gesture of kindness, the CEO of Wards returned all

rights back to Bob May. The book became a best seller. Many toy and marketing

deals followed and Bob May, now remarried with a growing family, became wealthy from

the story he created to comfort his grieving daughter.

But the story doesn't end there. Bob's brother-in-law, Johnny Marks, made a song

adaptation to Rudolph. Though the song was turned down by such popular vocalists as

Bing Crosby and Dinah Shore, it was recorded by Gene Autrey. "Rudolph the Red-Nosed

Reindeer" was released in 1949 and became a phenomenal success, selling more records

than any other Christmas song with the exception of "White Christmas." The gift of

love that Bob May created for his daughter so long ago kept on returning to bless

him again and again. And Bob May learned the lesson, just like his dear friend

Rudolph, that being different isn't so bad. In fact, being different can be a

blessing.

Giveaway!

2011-12-04T13:59:00.000-08:00

If you'd like to sign up for a chance at one of two copies I'm giving away of a new anthology: Coping with Transition: Men, Motherhood, Money and Magic, please leave your name and your blog if you have one in the Comments section. You'll find a memoir here that speaks to your own transitons. We chronicle everything from menopause to second chances at love to loss to dealing with a husband's retirement. I'll post the two winners next Monday, December 12.

November Books of trhe Month

2011-11-30T13:52:00.000-08:00

Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen. This was a book club pick. I didn't want to read it. I haven't read a circus book since I read Circus Shoes in elementary school. But I actually enjoyed it, especially the part where the main character is an old man creating havoc in the nursing home. I'd give it a B.

The Orphaned Adult by Mark Angel. I've had this book for years; I bought it after my father died. I read it again because I'm writing an essay about the death of my mother, and I found it even more meaningful than before. Angel tells us all humans are destined to be orphans, then he tells us what those losses mean to us. Beautiful book, thought-provoking.

The Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery. An offbeat, delightful book. It won't appeal to everyone, but I loved it. It alternates between the viewpoint of a middle-aged concierge in a fancy Paris apartment building, who hides the fact that she's ultra-intelligent, and a twelve-year-old resident of the building, who plans to commit suicide on her 13th birthday. I know it sounds strange, but give it a try.

How We Age by Marc Agronin. I heard the author speak recently. He's a geriatric psychiatrist with a positive view of aging gleaned from years of working with nursing home residents.

Potluck: Community on the Edge of Wilderness by Ana Maria Spagna. This is a collection of essays about the author's life in a tiny village in Washington State. Ana Maria was my memoir teacher at Gotham. She's a marvelous writer and a creative teacher. Her life in the wild couldn't be more different than mine in urban Houston, but I get what she's saying. We all need community. We need people who are there to support us in times of trouble and to encourage us when we're feeling down. Her experiences will intrigue you and her truth will inspire you.

Quote for the Week

2011-11-28T17:09:00.000-08:00

Change is the constant, the signal for rebirth, the egg of the phoenix.
Christina Baldwin

Announcing My Latest Publication

2011-11-27T17:13:00.001-08:00

I'm delighted to announce the publication of Coping with Transition: Men, Motherhood, Money and Magic, edited by Susan Briggs Wright. I am honored to be one of the fifteen Houston women featured in this book. Join us as we trudge, glide, stumble, and chuckle through the sorts of transitions women face, some funny, some tragic. Our book is available on Amazon. Search the editor's name, Susan Briggs Wright (for some reason it isn't indexed by title). We think it would make a great holiday gift for women on your list, or treat yourself to one. And if you enjoy it, please leave a review on Amazon--we love publicity.

Thanksgiving Wishes

2011-11-24T05:48:00.001-08:00

Have a joyous Thanksgiving.

May you have many blessings to count...even the small ones.

May you celebrate the holiday surrounded by loved ones and friends.

May you have peace and joy from this Thanksgiving to the next.

And for all you Longhorns out there, may we beat the Aggies in our last game ever!

Quote for the Week

2011-11-21T15:18:00.001-08:00

Not what we say about our blessings, but how we use them, is the true measure of our thanksgiving. ~W.T. Purkiser

Author Interview: Heather Andersen, Author of I Nevr Intended to be Brave

2011-11-20T17:22:00.000-08:00

Here's my interview with Heather Andersen, author of the inspiring memoir I Never Intended to be Brave:

Tell the readers how you got interested in bike travel.

I was looking for a fun way to spend part of a teenage summer and saw an ad for bike tours. I signed up for one in Maine and got hooked on bike travel as the perfect pace at which to explore the world.

What have been some other interesting bike trips you’ve taken?

Across the U.S., four times. New Zealand. Vietnam. Kerala and Tamil Nadu, India.

What made you decide to write a memoir about your trip through Africa?

My desire to share the Africa I know and love, which is very different from the Africa usually portrayed by the U.S. media.

What is your most lasting memory about Africa?

I can't really say there's just one, but they include looking lions in the eye, the red sand dunes of Namibia, and connecting with so many kind people.

Do you plan to go back to Africa?

Yes, sometime. I'd especially love to see north and west Africa, which I didn't get to at all.

Have you been in contact with your former riding partner? Is he aware that you wrote a book about your journey?

We didn't keep in touch over the years, but I sent him an email letting him know about the book just before it came out.

What biking organizations do you belong to and are there particular magazines devoted to cycling that you recommend?

Adventure Cycling Association (ACA), League of American Bicyclists, East Coast Greenway Alliance, and Transportation Alternatives. Adventure Cyclist (ACA's membership magazine) for information and stories about bicycle touring.

What would you advise someone who was considering a first bicycle trip?

Do it. And remember that one of the joys of bike travel is being able to take advantage of unexpected opportunities and beauty; leave some flexibility in your schedule. Before going on your first self-contained bike tour (carrying all your gear with you on your bike rather than in a support vehicle), go on a practice ride from home with all the gear you're planning to bring with you.

How much weight did you carry on your bike during this trip and was that standard for a long bike trip?

I don't really know for sure, but I'd guess between 30 and 50 lbs., 50 only when I had lots of extra food and water. Some people go lighter, but at least 30 is probably standard for a long tour that includes camping and cooking your own meals.

Your book just came out, but what has been the response so far?

Enthusiastic, with overwhelmingly positive reviews.

For the writers who read this blog, how are you promoting your book?

Contacting reviewers, bike shops, and other outdoor retailers. Scheduling promotional events. Working on getting shorter stories/essays published. Some social networking.

Where is the book available?

On Amazon, Barnes&Noble.com, Indiebound.org, and through bookstores.

Anything else you’d like to share with readers?

To be fully alive, you can't let fear run your life. Following your dreams isn't always easy, but somewhere deep down inside, it's right.

Widowhood Anthology: Call for Submissions

2011-11-17T18:36:00.001-08:00

This is a call for submissions to Silver Boomer Books' upcoming anthology on widowhood. If you're widowed or know another writer, or would-be writer, who is a widow or widower, Silver Boomers invites you to submit to an anthology tentatively titled On Our Own: Widowhood for Smarties. Any aspect of widowhood can be covered: grief, memories, glitches, triumphs... Submissions will be read between December 1 and January 31.
I've been trying for half an hour to to the website but blogspot won't let me; however, you can find all the information you need at www.silverboomerbooks.com. Click on Call for submissions to learn more.

Tuesday Quotes: 25 Quotes about Writing

2011-11-15T12:06:00.001-08:00

I would hurl words into this darkness and wait for an echo, and if an echo sounded, no matter how faintly, I would send other words to tell, to march, to fight, to create a sense of hunger for life that gnaws in us all. ~Richard Wright, American Hunger, 1977

I try to leave out the parts that people skip. ~Elmore Leonard

What I like in a good author is not what he says, but what he whispers. ~Logan Pearsall Smith, "All Trivia," Afterthoughts, 1931

Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very;" your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. ~Mark Twain

Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart. ~William Wordsworth

Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass. ~Anton Chekhov

I love writing. I love the swirl and swing of words as they tangle with human emotions. ~James Michener

If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster. ~Isaac Asimov

No one means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous. ~Henry Brooks Adams, The Education of Henry Adams, 1907

Be obscure clearly. ~E.B. White

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other one. ~Baltasar Gracián

When something can be read without effort, great effort has gone into its writing. ~Enrique Jardiel Poncela

Writing comes more easily if you have something to say. ~Sholem Asch

Writing is a struggle against silence. ~Carlos Fuentes

What would there be in a story of happiness? Only what prepares it, only what destroys it can be told. ~André Gide

The road to hell is paved with adverbs. ~Stephen King

How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live. ~Henry David Thoreau, Journal, 19 August 1851

Writing is both mask and unveiling. ~E.B. White

Let's hope the institution of marriage survives its detractors, for without it there would be no more adultery and without adultery two thirds of our novelists would stand in line for unemployment checks. ~Peter S. Prescott

It's not plagiarism - I'm recycling words, as any good environmentally conscious writer would do. ~Uniek Swain

An author in his book must be like God in the universe, present everywhere and visible nowhere. ~Gustave Flaubert

Sit down, and put down everything that comes into your head and then you're a writer. But an author is one who can judge his own stuff's worth, without pity, and destroy most of it. ~Colette, Casual Chance, 1964

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted. ~Jules Renard, Journal, 10 April 1895

An original writer is not one who imitates nobody, but one whom nobody can imitate. ~Chateaubriand, Le Génie du Christianisme, 1802

The two most engaging powers of an author are to make new things familiar and familiar things new. ~Samuel Johnson

Wikihow: How to do Everything Can Possibly Imagine, Want (or Don't Want) to Know

2011-11-13T16:58:00.000-08:00

My home page on Google has a daily post from Wikihow. I must say I'm fascinated with these posts. Do people really want to know how to do these things? Do you? Or could you figure them out yourself without the benefit of the internet?

Here's a recent sampling of their posts. Feel free to add others in the comments section:

How to get lots of candy on Halloween

How to make clay flowers out of old bread

How to make tea in a coffee pot

How to be a cute genius

How to draw a girl elf

How to unlock a car with string

And my favorite: How to peel a banana (Who would have guessed there are nine, yes nine ways to do it?)

Quote for the Week: November

2011-11-08T12:16:00.001-08:00

“Fallen leaves lying on the grass in the November sun bring more happiness than the daffodils” Cyril Connelly

Widowhood: Bouncing Back Guest Post by Stephen Gallup

2011-11-07T06:37:00.000-08:00

I have a grown son who is disabled and who inspired me to write a memoir, What About the Boy? Please visit fatherspledge.com for details on that. I lost my first wife to cancer 17 years ago and later remarried. I’m now trying to be a good parent to a girl who is almost a teenager and a boy who’s still in preschool!

Bouncing Back
By Stephen Gallup
For a period of time after my wife Judy died in 1994, a strange thing kept happening to me. Again and again, I would find myself standing in the middle of a room, with absolutely no idea of what I had been doing, why I had gone there, or what I’d meant to do.
Judy’s long illness had kept me busy. She’d had frequent medical appointments and hospitalizations. I tried to be emotionally supportive, while taking over aspects of family life that had previously been her domain. Suddenly, she was gone. And with her went almost all of my focus. Adrift, I remained in Busy mode, even with no real direction. There were still impulses to go and do something, but each time the notion faded away before I could do it. That was scary.
Fortunately, I did have other responsibilities. Judy and I had a son, who happened to be disabled. Joseph relied on me for his care. I also still had a job, and definitely needed the income. These two concerns distracted me from my grief. They kept me involved with other matters.
Almost two decades have passed since those days, and I look back on them now with wonder. Every time one of my friends loses a loved one, I see that same confusion and doubt. Whether the death was expected or not, the survivor enters a period of stunned bewilderment. Things stop making sense. There seems to be no point to continuing. Then, gradually, out of the fog, questions take form.
Is my life over, too? Can I even make this adjustment? Is any more fun for me even possible? The answers to these questions are no, yes, and emphatically yes. The loss of a spouse, no matter how dear, does indeed close an important phase of one’s life. However, that loss does not mean it’s time to give up. We are still here, and I think it’s safe to say that we’re here for a reason. Reasons tend to become apparent in due course.
In the mean time, there are things a recently widowed individual can do to ease the transition back into an active life. This could be a very detailed list, I think, but for now let’s focus on the high points. I’m sure you will have heard these before. However, I can vouch for them. They worked for me.
Get involved in something.
What sort of activities or causes have been important to you in the past? It’s possible that you may have changed so that they have lost their appeal, but consider those things first. If these activities involve interaction with other people, so much the better. For most if not all of us, this is a time for human contact.
If familiar activities just don’t excite you now, consider stepping out and trying something quite different.
In my case, traveling to China was something I had always imagined doing, although I’d never thought it would actually happen. In the year after Judy died, I resumed a long-discontinued study of the Chinese language. I played language tapes in the car while driving around town, and rented Chinese movies to watch at night. At the end of that year, I actually went to China on a solo vacation. I saw the Great Wall and the Forbidden City, and I had lots of opportunities to find out if I could make myself understood there. It was a great adventure. I felt as if I were suddenly leading another person’s life.
Expect good things. Expect wonderful things.
A lot has been said about the way optimism attracts good outcomes. Emotions like gloom and self-pity might be easier, but they have the opposite effect. And there’s really no justification for them. Yes, we’ve lost someone very, very important, someone who can never be replaced. But would that person want us to spend our remaining days in sorrow? Not likely! Our spouses loved us and surely would have wanted continuing fulfillment in our lives.
My wife Judy died in a November. As the end of that year approached, I got serious about making some new year’s resolutions. As I mentioned above, I had a disabled son and a job to hold down. In addition to my son’s ongoing needs, my employer was making it clear that layoffs were coming. I had to get active and find a new source of income. Those were my top two priorities, but I ended up with a list of five or six objectives that I held in mind as I went about my life every day. That list gave me a purpose.
One item further down the list was the wish to expand my social life. In those days, of course, I had no thought of remarrying. That kind of relationship was beyond my expectations. However, because I did believe good things would come to pass, a new partner came my way. And as a result of that new union, I now find myself, at this late stage in my life, with two more children. I’ve gone from grieving spouse to a dad who helps kids with their homework and school projects. They keep me young and tuned in to this changing world. I’ve been very fortunate, and I believe Judy would be glad.
Everyone who has been widowed has a unique story, but I think these two points figure in most of them. How do we carry on? Let us count the ways.

Book Review: I Never Intended to be Brave by Heather Andersen

2011-11-03T16:33:00.001-07:00

Heather Andersen is a woman with heart. A heart strong enough to go on when her plans go awry, a heart big enough to embrace varied lands and cultures.

After her stint in the Peace Corps, she plans a dream trip, cycling through southern Africa. She places an ad in a cyling magazine but only finds one person interested in joining the trip. Unfortunately, he's the wrong person. Almost from the beginning they are an incompatible pair, so when he suggests they split up, she agrees and travels on alone. She says she never intended to be brave, but a woman alone, cycling through unfamiliar terrain in third world countries is spectacularly brave in my opinion. Along the way during her six month trip, she absorbs the culture of the various countries, meets the people, endures bicyle breakdowns, bumpy roads, wind and heat, and marvels at the scenery and wildlife. She spends a night in a camp near a dead ostrich, meets what first appears to be a lion on the road but turns out to be a cow, and reaches the point where the Atlantic and Indian Oceans meet.

Here is a book that will inspire you to follow your dreams, whatever they may be. Highly recommended and a great read.

Quote for the Week

2011-11-01T07:44:00.001-07:00

"One of these days is none of these days." Henri Tuboch

October Books of the Month

2011-10-31T14:41:00.000-07:00

October has been a busy month, but I did find time for reading. Here are summaries of the books I read this month.

A History of the World in Six Glasses by Tom Standage. If they didn't exactly change the world, these six liquids played important roles in world history. Want to guess what they are? Answer is in the comments section.

Turn of Mind by Alice LaPlante. A former orthopedic surgeon suffering from Altzheimers is suspected of murdering her best friend and then cutting off her fingers. Yes, it sounds grisly but it's a fascinating look into the deteriorating mind of a once-brilliant woman. Did she do it? You'll have to read the book to find out.

In the Garden of Beasts by Erik Larson. Love, terror and an American family in Hitler's Berlin. Great read.

Bite of the Big Apple

2011-10-23T09:16:00.000-07:00

My sister and I spent a few days last week in New York. I love New York. I wouldn't want to live there, not permanently, but a penthouse near Central Park for a few months would be okay.

The weather was perfect, the traffic was terrible, the food was great. We saw two shows--Memphis (I didn't realize it would be playing in Houston when I got back) and Love, Loss and What I Wore, a "girly" delight. We took a tour of Grand Central--I hadn't been there since I was a kid. We met some cousins for dinner one night at Pescatori's an Italian restaurant that's supposed to be a favorite of Rafa Nadal. Alas, he was not there. Another night we met a different set of cousins at a Cuban restaurant.

Our only disappointment was that we didn't know you have to have a pass to get into the Ground Zero Memorial and we would have had to hang around all day to get in. On-line passes were available for January 2012.

For once, we didn't go shopping because we didn't need to buy any handicrafts because, hey, we were in America and we could get the same things at home.

We went to the Ellis Island museum, where our father's name is listed on the wall honoring immigrants. It was fascinating. I was looking at all the baskets and trunks people brought over and wondering what I would take if I were moving half way across the world and I had limited space to bring something important. What would you bring?

Guest Post by Rohit Naik

2011-10-20T07:23:00.000-07:00

Grieving Challenges during Young Widowhood

Thеre wеrе 554,000 widоws аnd wіdоwerѕ 18 tо 44 yеаrѕ оf agе acсоrding tо thе US Cеnsuѕ Burеаu stаtіѕtісѕ fоr 2004-2005. Wіdоwhооd аt аnу аgе iѕ a drаstіс lifе-сhаngіng еvent. Widows аnd widоwerѕ who аrе suddеnly sіnglе раrеntѕ arе fаcеd with еnоrmоus сhаllеngеs. Bеcoming widоwed аs a yоungеr рerѕоn brings up thе questіon оf whаt tо dо with thе rеst оf уour lіfe.

While thеre аre fоur timeѕ аs manу widоwѕ aѕ therе are wіdоwеrs, nevеrthelеss, bеіng wіdоwеd is a drаѕtiс and оftеn devaѕtаtіng evеnt. It iѕ distinct from divоrсe, beсаuѕе moѕt оf thе timе thе grіеvіng widоw dіd nоt want to end hеr marrіаgе. Grіеf іѕ соmрlісаted аnd the hеaling јоurnеу іѕ оftеn lоng, muсh lоngеr thаn fаmilу аnd friendѕ exресt іt tо bе. The wіdоwеr who griеvеs thе losѕ of hіѕ wіfе іs оften enсоurаged tо date аgaіn bу wеll-meаning frіеndѕ who саnnоt begіn tо undеrѕtand thе deрth оf hіѕ pаіn. The lоnеlіnеsѕ аnd dеѕpаir the wіdоw аnd widower exрerіеnсe іs соmрoundеd by thе fаct that tоо mаnу pеoрle сannоt relatе to thіs pаrticulаr lоsѕ.

The wіdowed perѕоn whо іs ѕuddеnlу а sіngle раrеnt hаs another ѕеt of сhаllengеѕ. In addіtiоn tо cоnfrоntіng the раіn оf lоsing а ѕpоuѕe, ѕhе must hеlp hеr childrеn wіth theіr оwn grief. If theу arе verу уоung, ѕhe maу sреnd сountlеsѕ hourѕ еxрlainіng why Daddу іsn't сomіng hоme agaіn. A widоwеr whо іѕ left to rаіse his сhіldrеn without thеir mоther mаy hаvе nо idеа аbout thе infіnіtе dеtaіlѕ and routіneѕ hіѕ lаte wife hаd іn рlacе tо keеp оrder іn hers and thе chіldrеn'ѕ dаy. Hiѕ sensе оf hеlplеѕѕnesѕ tо dеаl with рrоvidіng fоr thе famіly, takіng carе of thе chіldrеn, and helрing thе сhіldrеn grieve may оvеrwhеlm hіm.

If thе wіdоwеd pеrsоn was rеlаtivеly уoung, hе оr ѕhе mау wаnt to find lоvе аgаіn. Thіs іn nо wау imрlіes thаt therе wаѕ lіttlе love fоr thе lаtе ѕpоuѕe. Gоnе аre the dауѕ whеn a wіdоw hаd little сhoісe but tо remаіn а wіdоw until ѕhе died. It іѕ hard to imaginе beіng wіdоwеd at аgе 28 оr еvеn 40 аnd fасіng the рroѕреct оf bеіng аlonе fоr the nеxt 40 оr 50 уеarѕ. It іs іmportаnt that widоws and widоwеrs аllow thеmsеlvеѕ tіmе tо fасе thе griеf, gо thrоugh thе јourneу, and соmе tо а рlасе оf сalm аnd ассeрtаncе. No оne cаn tеll thеm hоw lоng thіѕ wіll tаke. It іs аlsо іmроrtant thаt whеn bеgіnnіng tо datе agaіn thаt widowed pеople undеrѕtаnd that thеу do nоt hаvе tо ѕtoр lоvіng thеіr lаtе spоusе tо find nеw lovе.

Aѕ you саn ѕeе, wіdows аnd wіdоwеrs fасe sоme heаvy chаllеngеѕ. Wоrkіng wіth а theraрiѕt, а ѕuрроrt grоuр, or а coach fаmіlіаr wіth yоur еxpеriеnсе can hеlp yоu to gaіn thе сlаrіty yоu nееd tо bеgіn to heal уоur lіfе аnd stаrt аnеw.

About the Author : This is a Guest Post by Rohit Naik who is a freelance writer and presently blogs on www.upcomingverisonphonelist.com

Quote for the Week

2011-10-17T17:18:00.001-07:00

You don't get to choose how you're going to die, or when. You can only decide how you're going to live now.
Joan Baez

Widowhood: Six Years Today

2011-10-16T05:42:00.000-07:00

Six years ago, on Sunday, October 16, 2005 at 9:10 a.m. my husband died. His heart stopped beating, his lungs quit taking in air, his brain waves went flat. A few minutes later, the doctor on call pronounced him dead.

Lives end in such a cold, clinical way. Within an hour, after the chaplain had spoken with me and the children had come to say a last goodbye, the nurse urged me from the room. Another patient would need the space, another battle would be fought…maybe won, maybe lost.

So this is my sixth anniversary of widowhood. People congratulate me for how well I’ve “gotten over” the loss, how I’ve gone on with my life. I had no choice, did I? There was no, “Would you like to go on or would you rather not?”

I didn’t imagine I could ever manage alone. I didn’t think I’d smile again or wake without reaching for Ralph or look forward to the future. I do all those things, but I haven’t gotten over the loss. I’ve just learned to live a different life.

I’ve learned to look forward…and backward. I cherish memories of conversations, laughter, even arguments (Yes, once I socked him in front of his mother. No one in either of our families has forgotten that.) I look back on the times when our children (two mine, one his) were small, when they had their tedious, awful teenage years we thought we’d never live through, the weddings, our granddaughter’s birth and how she loved Ralph, her Popo. We had a good life and I can be glad for that, even if our time together was too short.

Last weekend was the Jewish Day of Atonement. Not only do we pray then to be inscribed for life for the next year, but we take time to remember our loved ones who passed away. So here, in memory of Ralph, is the part of the memorial service that I love the best:

In the rising of the sun and in its going down,
We remember them.

In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter,
We remember them.

In the opening of buds and in the rebirth of spring,
We remember them.

In the blueness of the sky and in the warmth of the summer,
We remember them.

In the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of autumn,
We remember them.

In the beginning of the year and when it ends,
We remember them.

When we are weary and in need of strength,
We remember them.

When we are lost and sick at heart,
We remember them.

When we have joys we yearn to share,
We remember them.

So long as we live, they, too, shall live,
For they are part of us,
As we remember them.

Guest Post by Eric Gruber

2011-10-05T19:16:00.000-07:00

What to Do After Losing a Loved One – A Financial Checklist for Family & Friends

Losing a loved one is difficult. In fact, I can’t think of anything more devastating than the death of a loved one. The death of anyone especially close to us creates an interruption to the flow of our everyday lives. It takes time to recapture our sense of equilibrium, and our awareness of everyday tasks and responsibilities.

That’s why I created this checklist to help you. As you feel your own life pausing as you grieve your loss, these pointers will help take care of your finances and those of your loved one. This checklist is designed to help you navigate your way through the initial days and early weeks after a loved one has passed.

Here Is Your Financial Checklist of Things to Do Once You Lose a Loved One

1. Did you figure out how you are going to keep track of what needs to be done and when? I suggest creating a calendar to note key events and activities that happen during this time period.

2. Have you notified family members and friends? This might sound obvious, but it is important that family and close friends be notified promptly. If you are unable to make these calls personally, ask someone close to you to assist you in relaying the news and the details. If family and/or friends do not live locally, they may need time to make travel arrangements to arrive in time for the funeral.

3. Did you make final arrangements? Unless your loved one made their own funeral arrangements during life, someone will need to coordinate these details at this time. If you do not already know your loved one’s wishes, you should look among his or her papers to see if he or she left any instructions regarding their wishes regarding their funeral, burial and cremation. You will need to contact the funeral home and, if appropriate, the individual’s clergy. If your loved one was a veteran, you may be eligible for burial and memorial benefits.

4. Did you obtain certified death certificates? The family doctor or medical examiner should complete the death certificates within 24 hours of the death. The funeral home will then complete the form and file it with the state. You will need several certified copies of the death certificate to handle the individual’s estate and to request any benefits payable as a result of the individual’s death (such as life insurance, annuities and qualified retirement plan assets).

5. Have you notified social security and did you contact all financial institutions? Typically, the funeral home will notify Social Security of an individual’s death. However, if they do not handle that for you, you must call them. If your loved one was receiving Social Security benefits via direct deposit, request that the bank return the funds received for the month of death and any subsequent months. Be careful to not cash any social Security checks received by mail. You should return any checks received by mail as soon as possible. Surviving spouses and other family members may be eligible for a one-time $255lump-sum death benefit and/or survivor’s benefit.

You should also contact all financial institutions where your loved one held assets and ask that them to put a freeze on the accounts. Likewise, if your loved one held any credit cards, you should notify all of such companies of his or her death and cancel all such cards.

6. Did you start collecting asset information? Collecting information about your loved one’s financial affairs may or may not prove challenging. If you were not familiar with your loved one’s finances (as many children do not know their parents’ finances), collect the bank statements as they come in each month and each quarter. It may take a few months for you to gather all of this information. Also, you can review your loved one’s tax returns to see what investment assets they may have possessed.

7. Did you look into collecting Life Insurance Benefits? Often, it is important to collect the death benefit of an insurance policy promptly after your loved one’s death so that cash is on hand to pay funeral related expenses. You need not wait to collect the death benefit on an insurance policy until after an estate has been raised.

8. Have you checked to see if you need to raise an estate? You may or may not need to “raise an estate” after a loved one has died. Raising an estate simply describes the probate process by which someone is legally appointed to administer the estate. Whether or not an estate needs to be raised will depend (1) on the size of the estate; (2) the nature of the person’s assets; and (3) who the beneficiaries of the estate are. If there is any question regarding whether or not an estate should be raised, you should consult with an estate attorney.

9. Have you chosen a professional financial planner to help you make important financial decisions regarding your inheritance? The world is full of people who have suggestions on how to spend your money, especially if they believe you've just received an inheritance check or a life insurance check. If you have important decisions to make about money, consider trusting a professional financial planner. And, if you have questions regarding how to choose a financial planner, check out my free consumer guide at: http://www.chooseyourfinancialadvisor.com \

This list is a starting point. As you begin to take care of these affairs, others will arise. As difficult as it may be to accept, the outside world will continue to make demands on grieving family members despite your inability to focus. This is not a time to neglect your financial responsibilities. Once your days become more normal again, you will be greatly relieved if you've paid attention to these financial details.

About the Author:
Certified Financial Planner Marty Higgins helps families sort through the financial implications of losing a loved one. Now, he has teamed up with estate and tax planning attorneys Jamie Shuster Morgan and Douglas A. Fendrick to create a FREE Special Report that explains, in detail, the questions you need to ask - right now - to be prepared for what happens when a loved one dies. Get your copy now at: http://www.survivorsolution.com/

Guest Post by Wendy Bailey

2011-10-04T19:31:00.001-07:00

Wendy Bailey, who posts as Henando Pagan at http://depression symptoms.net is guest-posting this week. Hope you'll check out her other posts and leave your thoughts.
The link to depression symptoms didn't underline but you can point to it with your mouse, click and it will take you there. TZ

Dealing with depression as a widow

Though no one like to think of it, death is a part of life. When it comes at the end of a long, full life well-lived, it is bittersweet. One knows that it was inevitable, and is grateful for the life lived, yet the sadness at the loss of a beloved partner can be overwhelming. There are several ways to deal with depression as a widow.

Recognize that it is going to take time to adjust, and one should allow themselves the space to do that. Often, putting grief on a timetable can contribute to depression, as one tries to adjust to the expectations of others or themselves, without allowing themselves to genuinely mourn their loss. The grieving process is different for everyone, and one should not compare themselves to others. While someone may seem to adapt to widowhood surprisingly quickly, the reality may be different. Regardless, everyone is entitled to their own experience, and judgement by oneself or others should be avoided.

Consider finding a grief support group that allows one to connect with others who are going through a similar process. This will allow one to know that what they are going through is normal. One of the hardest things about losing a spouse is that others may not understand, having not yet experienced it themselves. By connecting directly with those who have, there is a chance for commiseration and healing. If one finds oneself sinking further into depression, seek professional help.

As time passes, begin to think of the future. This may lead to putting away the spouse's possessions, and turning the home to reflect one's individual interests, or perhaps moving to a smaller home. Find some way to honor the deceased by keeping, and displaying some of their favorite things in a creative way, or sharing cherished items with children or grandchildren.

Begin to discover new interests by participating in activities, choosing something that one has always wanted to try, or by picking something at random. This may be difficult for someone who has devoted their life to spouse and family, but it can be a fulfilling experience. And one should not think that activities need to be designed for singles, or widows, or seniors. One can choose experiences that truly reflect their interests.

Facing the end of life for a beloved spouse is a distressing, and unsettling experience. Losing a partner is difficult, and that should not be denied. But, with time, and a determination to live life to the fullest, it is a transition that will be survived successfully.

Tuesday Quote for the Week: Lost Generation

2011-10-04T04:14:00.000-07:00

This was the topic of the sermon at our synagogue on the Eve of the New Year.
Read it out loud, all the way through. Don't give up.

LOST GENERATION by Jonathan Reed

I’m a part of Lost Generation
And I refuse to believe that
I can change the world.
I realize this may be a shock, but
“Happiness comes from within”
Is a lie, and
“Money will make me happy”
So in thirty years I’ll tell my children
They are not the most important thin in my life
My employers will know that
I have my priority straight because
Work
Is more important than
Family.
I tell you this.
Once upon a time
Families stayed together
But this will not be true in my era
This is a quick fix society
Experts tell me
Thirty years from now I will be celebrating the tenth anniversary of my divorce
I do not concede that
I will live in a country of my own making
In the future
Environmental destruction will be the norm
No longer can it be said that
My peers and I care about this earth
It will evident that
My generation is apathetic and lethargic
It is foolish to presume that
There is hope.

Now read it out loud again from the bottom up.

I'd love to hear what you think.

Fun Facts from Bill Bryson's At Home: A Short History of Private Life

2011-10-01T10:53:00.001-07:00

Humans and guinea pigs are the only species that are unable to synthesize Vitamin C in their own bodies.

Henry Chadwick, who devised the baseball box score, chose the letter K to symbolize Strike because K is the last letter in the word "struck."

Thomas Jefferson is credited with cutting potatoes into strips and eating them fried.

The main agent for powdering the wigs that were so popular in the 1700's was flour. Benjamin Franklin, when he served as ambassador to France, chose not to confirm to the current fad and did not wear a wig.

A popular nineteenth century etiquette book advised that diners might wipe their lips on the table cloth but not blow their noses on it.

Alexander Graham Bell invented the iron lung.

Bell also invited a metal detector. When President James Garfield was shot, Bell was called to his bedside to help locate the bullet. Unfortunately, Bell's device only detected the presidential bedsprings.

Charles Darwin's father refused his request to travel on the Beagle, and it was only his uncle's intervention that convinced the elder Darwin to allow his son to go.

The word "luncheon" originally meant a lump or a portion and only gradually came to signify the midday meal.

The Book of Household Management by Isabella Beeton, a best seller in the nineteenth century on food: potatoes--"suspicious, a great many are narcotic;" cheese--only for sedentary people "in very small quantities;" mangoes--"liked only by those who have not a prejudice against turpentine;" lobsters--"rather indigestible;" tomato-"its juice subjected to the action of the fire, emits a vapoiur so poiwerful as to cause vertigo and vomiting."

These and hundreds of other facts--both obscure and faxcinating--can be found in Bryson's delightful book.

Guest Post by Alan Jordan

2011-09-29T12:36:00.001-07:00

Alan H. Jordan is an accomplished author with six business books, hundreds of articles, poems, and audio books to his credit. His children’s book, The Monster on Top of the Bed, has received superb reviews. His poetry has been published in major poetry journals like Mobius, The Poetry Magazine. Details about his forthcoming books may be found at http://www.GreatShowcases.com.

The thing about being a widow is that it's not a temporary thing. It's forever. It's not just your past that changes, all of your future dreams are cancelled. Okay, it's quite possible to build new dreams, but all of the dreams that you had for sharing your life with your husband are gone. Worse yet, if you have young children, the passing of their father wipes out their dreams, and can make them concerned about forgetting their father.

There's no easy way to deal with this situation. That's why so many widows seek professional counseling, and turn to books for solace. There are many workbooks that help children to journal about someone who passed over. My favorite ones are I Will Never Forget You, Love Never Stops and Kids Can Cope written by Emilio Parga, the founder of Solace Tree, a non-profit organization dedicated to helping children go through the grieving process in a constructive, healthy way. But, if you go into a bookstore and ask the clerk to show you a book to help a child celebrate their deceased father's life, you're likely to be shown picture books that discuss death and Heaven in a gentle way. These books are fine for young children, but what about the 7 to 10 year old who understands that their father is dead, and is turning to you for help in celebrating their Dad's life? Picture books definitely don't work well for tweens and teenagers. These are children who process their grief by blogging, tagging pictures, writing on Facebook, and texting their friends. They seek inspiration, not advice, and they build their lives around a phone or smartphone. What can you do to help them?

I asked myself “What can I do to help?” Being an author, the answer that bubbled up in my mind was, “write a book that can be read on a smartphone, a book that does not tell someone what to think, but instead provides a way for each reader to discover their own answers. The result was four Kindle books. These be downloaded onto any Kindle reader, computer or more importantly for children, tweens and teenagers, onto any iPhone, Droid or smartphone, where it can opened in the click of an icon and viewed instantly, in full color, with just a couple of taps on a screen.

Learning how to use a Kindle book is easy, but you don't have to know how to do it. Your children will know, or be able to figure it out in just a minute or two. This means that they can view the book on their phone, in privacy, or that the book can be viewed on a large screen, and the entire family can discuss it. Poetry and photography are meant to be examined, to be discussed. When you view the book with your children or grandchildren, you're likely to find that it's just about impossible to not get into discussions about the beauty of the universe, the eternal nature of life, the best way to celebrate someone's life, Heaven and the heavens. Kids get this! They like not being told how to think.

I Am Here, Dad costs $.99 It combines a short, potent poem with celestial images from the Hubble Space Telescope, and it empowers children, tweens, teens and adults to celebrate the life of their father. It's a quick read, you can go through the poem and images of nebula, suns, galaxies in less than two minutes. You can also spend hours in contemplation, and for those who are interested in the science behind the pictures, there are footnotes that provide in--depth scientific explanations written by scientists, as well as a brief note explaining why I selected each image.

A companion book (also $.99) is Relax, Rejoice and Rejunvenate, Volume 1. It features an affirmation for every day of the year, an affirmation for everyday use, and spiritual photographs I personally took, on Earth, with a digital camera.

These books may just be the two dollars you've ever spent, and if you're not sure, you can download a preview of them for free from my page on the Amazon’s Kindle Store.

You can easily spend $30 or more in a bookstore, and not score as well with your kids as by buying these two Kindle books for them and yourself.

September Books of the Month

2011-09-27T18:23:00.000-07:00

Is September almost over already? It seems to have passed without my realizing. Anyway, I have read some interesting books, and here they are:

One Amazing Thing by Chitra Divakaruni. This book was chosen by the Houston Public Library as the Houston Reads selection for 2011. Each year readers throughout the city are encouraged to read and discuss the same book. One Amazing Thing is the story of a group of strangers trapped inside a passport office by an earthquake. To distract themselves, they each tell the story of one amazing thing that happened in their life. Almost a book of short stories tied together, it's a quick and, I thought, delightful read. Most of the people in my book group disagreed. It's available on Amazon (isn't everything?) so take a look.

Unmeasured Strength by Lauren Manning. This book received a lot of press around the 9/11 anniversary. The author worked on the 105th floor of the North Tower. She was running just a bit late that morning, and was about to step into the elevator when the first plane hit and a ball of fire rushed through the elevator shaft and engulfed her. This is the inspiring story of her recovery after being burned over 80% of her body. I can only imagine how painful that was. I was inspired by her courage and determination...and disappointed to learn that burn treatment hasn't advanced much since I was burned when I was in college.

John Dollar by Marianne Wiggins. An eerie book about a group of girls stranded on a remote island. A sort of female Lord of the Flies. My book club is reading them together. Personally, I prefer Lord of the Flies; in fact, it's one of my favorite books. But this one will also give you nightmares.

At Home: A Short History of Private Life by Bill Bryson. This is a pretty long book, but I loved every page. It's a wide-ranging history of anything you can think of in relation to home. Though some of the content has only a slight connection to home (Darwin's voyage on the Beagle, for example), the book kept me engaged and amused. I highly recommend it.

Quote for the Week

2011-09-26T19:07:00.001-07:00

Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold.
Zelda Fitzgerald

Falling from the Sky

2011-09-24T18:12:00.000-07:00

I am considering having a t-shirt made that says I Survived the Falling Satellite. I can't believe someone isn't already selling that one.

Truthfully, the plunging satellite was not in the forefront of my mind. I was much more concerned about the rain that finally arrived after days of drought and splattered right through my roof and into my hallway. I had to put pans up and down the hall. Do you know how gross a panful of rainwater smells? I love the smell of rain...outside. Not on my carpet.

The Houston Chronicle gave scant attention to the space debris hurtling toward Earth. Down here in Texas where football is king, we are much more concerned with the possible implosion of the Big 12. Even though I grew up in Austin and I'm a proud University of Texas graduate, I admit that the Longhorns' greed--having their own sports network, which by the way, seems to be unavailable to the majority of TV owners--caused this debacle. A & M is headed for the SEC. Who will Texas play on Thanksgiving Day? Who will we hate as much as the Aggies? Both schools will have to change their fight songs. Tradition wiped away. So who cares about tons of metal falling on our heads at such a time as this?

I certainly didn't, until I made the mistake of turning on my TV Friday night when I got into bed. There was Anderson Cooper in his cute, tight t-shirt telling us that within hours the satellite would enter Earth's atmosphere, and no one knew where it might hit. OMG, it could crash anywhere, even...right here. In. My. Bedroom. Automatically, I glanced at the ceiling. No help there. My roof would be no protection from shards of metal falling at a gazillion miles an hour. That's not how I want to die. I want a dignifed end, not a splat in the middle of the night. Oh, Anderson, why did you have to bring this up? Couldn't you talk about something more cheerful, like the economy?

Should I stay awake for what could be my last night? I didn't.

When I woke up on Saturday, everything was normal. The satellite had missed me. I hurried outside to get the newspaper. A man in San Antonio reported that he saw shiny things falling from the sky. What if they had landed on the Alamo? Unthinkable.

Actually, the Associated Press said the debris had likely fallen into the Pacific, but no one could say exactly where.

So I've survived a non-crisis. At least until next time.

Quote for the Week

2011-09-20T07:17:00.000-07:00

It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.
Buddha

Memory of the Month: When the World Went Black

2011-09-18T17:16:00.001-07:00

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I love to travel. Ralph did, too, once I talked him into a trip. But in 1991 I didn't have to convince him. The minute he saw the article about the Museum of Natural Science's trip to Oaxaca, Mexico to see the upcoming solar eclipse, he was ready to sign up.

We'd been on a trip with the Museum's astronomy expert before--to Chile to see Haley's Comet--and it was great fun, watching the starry sky from the Chilean desert. Now we'd see another once-in-a-lifetime sight, a total eclipse of the sun.

Oaxaca was crowded with tourists eager for their adventure. We visited the observatory there and heard a lecture on the eclipse and the safe way to view it. Never look directly at the sun, even if it's obscured by the moon, or you're likely to be blinded, so we had special dark glasses for the viewing.

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We traveled to the impressive ruins at Monte Alban, toured the wide plaza and some of the stone buildings, then had a picnic lunch. As the time for the eclipse neared, throngs of people arrived. Nearby was a group with painted faces, drumming as they waited for the sun to disappear. My heart pounded. How had it felt, centuries ago to the Mayans and Aztecs, when suddenly the world went dark?

Gradually the light dimmed and we could see the moon moving across the sun, slowly covering it. An eerie, gray-greenish light surrounded us. We could see Jupiter, Mercury and Venus in line with the moon. A shadow passed over the valley, and the air grew cold. We stood in the dark, the drums pounding in the background, the drummers chanting in time. A minute passed, then two, then three...and the light returned.

It's a memory I'll always cherish and a special day shared with Ralph.

Recommended Site: Gotham Writers Workshop

2011-09-15T11:40:00.001-07:00

Here's a site every writer should know about.

I came upon Gotham by chance (Hooray for Google!) when I was searching for a class on memoir writing. I came upon a treasure trove of workshops for writers at any stage in their careers. Want to be a travel writer? Screenwriter? Memoir writer? Blogger? Whatever your goal, Gotham has a workshop to fit your needs. Although some are in New York, the majority are online as well, so you can take a writing class in your pajamas (or in nothing at all if you wish). You'll get lectures, critiques by the instructor, critiques by your fellow class members, entry to a chat room set aside for your class.

I signed up for Memoir Writing I and began a memoir about my husband's last year of life, then took Memoir II and finally Advanced Memoir. Our instructor, Ana Maria Spagna, is amazing. The group of us who took the advanced class stayed in touch, continued to critique each other's work and kept up with news about each other's lives. Next month several of us are meeting in Lake Tahoe for a reuion and a class on essay writing with Ana Maria. Lake Tahoe in late October, personalized writing instruction...what could be better?

I can't promise you a trip to Lake Tahoe, but do stop by and see what Gotham has to offer.

Quote for the Week: September

2011-09-13T12:13:00.000-07:00

Here's John Updike on September. September in Houston is still pretty much like July and our leaves look like this because there's been no rain all summer, but I like to think of it this way:

"The breezes taste
Of apple peel.
The air is full
Of smells to feel-
Ripe fruit, old footballs,
Burning brush,
New books, erasers,
Chalk, and such.
The bee, his hive,
Well-honeyed hum,
And Mother cuts
Chrysanthemums.
Like plates washed clean
With suds, the days
Are polished with
A morning haze."
- John Updike, September

Award!

2011-09-13T07:38:00.001-07:00

Thanks to Nancy MacMillan for this award. Check out Nancy at http://www.blogofavetswife.blogspot.com And now I'm passing on this award to the following 5 bloggers:

Jan http://www.connectere.wordpress.com

Suzi www.laundrylinedivine.com

Susan http://www.womannshadows.blogspot.com

Boo: http://www.boomayhew.blogspot.com

Maureen www.writingwithoutpaper.blogspot.com

Here are the rules for you five winners:

1. Thank the giver of the award and link back to them.
2. Give the Liebster Award to 5 bloggers and let them know with a comment to their blog.
3. Copy and paste the award onto your blog.
4. Enjoy the love of some of the most supportative people on the Internet.
5. Have fun blogging!

9/11/11: Remembering

2011-09-11T08:38:00.001-07:00

It was an ordinary Tuesday. I woke a little late, so I was hurrying to get ready for work when Ralph came into the bedroom. He'd been working in his home office. His face stern, he strode to the TV. "You have to see this," he said.

"I don't have time; I'm running late."

"You have to watch," his said. His voice sounded strange, so I thought I'd humor him.

The TV clicked on. A New York skyscraper. Plane, fire, smoke. I dropped the shoes I'd been about to put on and stared. This couldn't be some special effects movie, it was real. "What's happening?" I asked.

"Someone's flown planes into the World Trade Center."

"An accident?"

"No." He sank down onto the bed. "Our lives will never be the same."

After a while, I couldn't watch any more. I went to work. At the preschool, parents were rushing in, grabbing their children and taking them home. Teachers were helping with backpacks and lunches. "Someone said they hit the Pentagon."

Who were "they?"

I decided to go back home. In the parking lot, I looked up. The sky was blue and cloudless, a beautiful September morning. But I didn't focus on that. I scanned for planes, listened for engine sounds, glanced fearfully at the buildings around me. I felt like a defenseless animal. What if the next plane headed to Houston?

At home, I called my business partner, then the office manager. We cancelled the rest of the day's appointments. Who would be interested in speech therapy on this day? I spent the rest of the morning in front of the television, mesmerized by scenes of carnage. How could this be happening in America?

Later that day Gayle, the office manager, and I picked up some Chinese food and brought it to a friend's house. Her husband was recuperating from surgery and we'd said we'd bring dinner. We sat together, stunned and confused, and tried to process the events of the day. We couldn't.

What is it about human beings that makes them do such evil things--bomb Pearl Harbor, invade Poland, assassinate a President? Why, when someone thinks differently or occupies a territory we want, do we resort to killing innocent people? Will we ever understand? Can we ever change?

Here's an eerie story from six months later. My partner came into my therapy room carrying a tiny blue plastic TV, part of a set of doll furniture we used with kids. "Look at this," she said and held up something we'd never noticed. The TV had a little picture pasted to the front: the Twin Towers.

I still use that set of furniture. Kids like to "turn on" the TV. And it still makes me feel creepy.

But it reminds me that we musst be vigilant so this never happens again. And that, somehow, people must learn to live and let live.

Quote for the Week...and questions it inspires

2011-09-05T19:55:00.000-07:00

If no one knows you, then you are no one.
Dan Chaon

I found this quote at the beginning of One Amazing Thing by Chitra Divakaruni and have been pondering over its meaning. In the book, a group of people are trapped in the basement of a building after an earthquake and they spend the time telling stories about themselves.

I wonder if anyone really knows us. We show ourselves by our actions and we tell about our lives, our opinions, our thoughts, but do we ever reveal our inner selves? Don't we all carry secrets? Isn't there a secret self beneath the persona we show to the world? If you were trapped in a situation in which you might die or might be rescued and never see the people you were with again, would you tell your deepest, most personal truth?

The Ambassador of Grief and Whimsy

2011-09-05T08:00:00.000-07:00

The Ambassador of Grief and Whimsy is actually a bunny. She belongs to Susan, who blogs at www.womannshadows.blogspot.com Bunny often acts as Susan's alter ego.

Like me, Susan is a widow and she has a loyal following of widows and widowers who read her blog regularly. Susan often said she wished she could visit her online friends, but that is impossible since they live in such far-flung places as Australia and England. Then she had a brainstorm: she would send Bunny in her place. Followers signed up to have Bunny visit them, and off she went around the world in what is now a well-used postage box. She has been to England, Australia, Alaska, Arizona, and most recently to me in Texas.

As soon as she arrived, in her adorable jeans, embroidered shirt and tiny backpack, I introduced Bunny to my cats. Needless to say, they were not interested in being friends, especially Toby after the night Bunny, wearing her little sleep mask, moved into his space on my bed.

Bunny was cuddly and comforting. Also helpful. She visited my speech therapy sessions and encouraged kids to talk. "She's traveling around the world, like Flat Stanley," I told one of my kids. "Wow," he said, "how does she do it?" I think he was a bit disappointed when I explained she traveled in a box from the post office.

Bunny and I took a trip to the Galleria, where she got a Don't Mess With Texas t-shirt (infant size).

Bunny has created a bond between the widows who have enjoyed her company. My thanks to Susan for her kindness in sharing Bunny with her on-line friends. You can also visit Bunny's Facebook page: look for abandoned souls.

Interview with Justina Page, Author of The Circle of Fire

2011-08-31T18:53:00.000-07:00

As a burn survivor myself, I was inspired by your story. First of all, I’m so sorry for the loss of your son.

You went through so much in the hospital. What was the hardest part?

There were many HARD parts as you well know from first –hand experience. If I had to pick the HARDEST part it would be waking up from coma intubated and not knowing the extent of the injuries to me and my family members. I had no idea who survived or who died. And when I did find out, it was absolutely nothing I could do about it. The complete loss of control and the emotional turmoil of not being able to communicate my desires and feelings were as painful as the physical wounds.

And afterward? People assume once you’re out of the hospital, everything is fine, but of course, it’s not that simple. What was the hardest part afterward?

I am a very independent person and am accustomed to serving others. When the tables were turned I was momentarily stumped. Not only could I not do for others, I could not take care of my own basic needs. The lack of independence was definitely the hardest. So, when I had to have someone bathe me, feed me, and wipe my backside after going to the restroom it was very humbling. However, I was extremely appreciative to have willing caretakers who helped with such compassion and wisdom that did not strip me of my dignity.

You’re an athlete. Do you think your physical strength helped you in your recovery?

Yes it definitely played a role. Your general health prior to any injury plays a great role in your ability to heal and the time it will take. However, my stubbornness, strong will, and determination, coupled with my faith in Christ played the greater role.

Were there volunteers working on the burn unit who were helpful during your hospitalization?

Absolutely. One in particular was a gentleman by the name of Gary Alley. When I finally came out of the coma, he would visit me every week. I was so impressed by this stranger that would sacrifice his time to make sure I didn’t have any questions or needs. He was my inspiration for coming back to the burn unit and volunteering. We are now very good friends and volunteer on the unit together running the support groups and other programs.

Tell about the SOAR program and how it works with burned patients.

SOAR stands for Survivors Offering Assistance and Recovery to burn patients. This program was created by The Phoenix Society for Burn Survivors and is offered at participating SOAR hospitals. There are three components to this program including SOAR peer supporters, SOAR coordinators, and SOAR trainers. Peer supporters are trained to provide support to patients and their family members on the unit. They are former survivors that the patient can easily identify with and provide an ear or shoulder to get through the process while validating the patient’s feelings. SOAR coordinators make referrals by the request of the patient to the peer supporter and match supporters to patients. SOAR trainers train burn survivors to be effective peer supporters.

You have taken a tragedy and made something beautiful out of it. Tell us about the establishment of Amos House of Faith, what it does, and what your future goals are for it

The Amos House of Faith is a nonprofit organization established in memory of my deceased son Amos with a mission to provide post burn support for children and families affected by burn trauma. There are three programs we are aspiring to provide which creates a support system for families and eases the financial burden created by this tragedy. The After Burns Club began in 2007 is held at Shriner’s Hospitals for Children in Galveston and Houston. This program is designed to empower children who have been burned and their siblings to cope with the adverse effects of burn trauma. We offer support groups that deal with pertinent topics such as teasing, survivor guilt, body image, etc… There are meals provided, monthly field trips scheduled, and club t-shirts as well. Our next goal is to establish The Amos House Family Room. This facility will be a temporary home away from home for the caretakers of seriously burned patients. The final program will be the HERO program which will provide housing for the caretakers of firefighters and EMS teams.

How are your sons doing now?

My precious six sons. Jonathon my eldest had the most adverse emotional reaction to the tragedy. He felt that God had forsaken us as a family and that he had failed his responsibility by not saving Amos which was his twin. The series of rebellion that followed was tragic. However he has now come to a greater understanding and is going on with his life. Joseph felt like a coward because he saved himself from the fire and did not have the heroic testimony his older brother had in having to be held down by several adults in attempt to save his little brothers. He has since dealt with the survivor guilt and is currently a senior at The University of Houston majoring in mechanical engineering. Caleb dealt with vicious episodes of teasing and had self-esteem issues. He is now solid in his identity and is pursuing a degree in hotel management. With Daniel my autistic son, life goes on as normal. He is still stealing the silverware and we are still buying replacements on a weekly basis. My twin Benjamin who suffered 3rd degree burns on his face and upper extremities is well. He is now mentally retarded and speech impaired as a result of the lack of oxygen at the scene. He is the happiest person I know – no kidding. He is now 6’2” in a special need class in High School with football coaches drooling over him. My precious Amos now rest safely on heaven’s shore.

Tell us about how The Circle of Fire came to be. Have you always wanted to write?

In May of 2000 I told my boys that I would write a book when they get older to help them understand what the family endured and how we got through it. Honestly, I forgot that promise. Eventually I began to volunteer on the burn unit and one thing led into another. I found myself completely emerged in the burn community both locally and nationally. Many of the patients and families I helped begin to suggest that I write a book. They felt that the wisdom and experience I had would be a blessing to many if I laid out some principles in a book format that could reach multitudes at the same time. I felt that a successful book would be instrumental in building The Amos House of Faith and made a conscience decision to let all the proceeds go the nonprofit. I have been writing as long as I can remember, poems, songs, books, stories – you name it. I am currently working on my next book which will be a refreshing surpise!

Tell us about the publication process.

The publication process was an extremely exciting journey that fit my personality type to a tee. I love task oriented work that is methodically. Getting the story from my heart to the written page was no small feat. It all began to take off when I completed a rough draft of my first chapter. When that model was established the writing flowed smoothly. Once I completed the manuscript I was faced with an unexpected emotion – I did not want to let it go. I had poured out some very transparent feelings and experiences and I was temporarily wondering if the world was worthy of it. Then I remembered my purpose and moved on with the process. Working with the interior layout designer was educational. I did not realize the many steps and decisions that had to be made to format the book properly. I gained a greater appreciation for every book I love and purchase. Clothing the manuscript with a cover was like putting icing on the cake. The ISBN number was assigned and “my baby” was released into the world. A very exhilarating experience!

How are you promoting your book?

I am currently doing radio interviews across the nation, book signing events, and speaking engagements. I also have an online presence including the book website www.thecircleoffirebook.com, Shelferia, GoodReads, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and many other online retailers. You can follow me on Twitter: http://twitter.com/ TheAmosHouse or LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/groupRegistration?gid=2572084&csrfToken=ajax%3A494163204127192.

The Amos House of Faith
Justina Page - Executive Director

Author of the The Circle of Fire

"Extend a helping hand - your heart will thank you!"

P:832-816-5941
C:832-816-5728

E-mail: jpage@thecircleoffirebook.com

Website: www.theamoshouseoffaith.org

Website: www.thecircleoffirebook.com

August Books of the Month

2011-08-30T17:29:00.000-07:00

This was a great month. I loved every book I read, even those picked out by someone else, aka book club members. So here they are, and I highly recommend all of them.

The Book Thief by Markus Zuzak. A beautiful, haunting book about a young German girl growing up in a foster home in Nazi Germany. Along with Death, the narrator, we watch her learn to read and experience the power of words. Far more sophistocated than the average young adult book, it will appeal to readers of any age. Both my granddaughter and I loved it. A keeper.

Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel, the winner of this year's Booker Prize, England's highest literary award, it follows the life of Thomas Cromwell, who was one of Henry VIII's closest advisors. I've always thought of Cromwell as "evil" but this book makes you like him, despite his Machiavellian ways. And Thomas More, the "man for all sesaons," is an extremely unlikeable guy. There's bound to be a sequel; we don't see the death of Anne Boleyn. Long but highly enjoyable.

The Circle of Fire by Justina Page. This is the memoir of a woman who lost everything--her 22-month old son, her home and everything in it--in a tragic fire. After six weeks in a coma, she must deal with pain, the loss of her son, another son's severe burns, the amputation of parts of the fingers of one hand--yet she survives to turn a tragedy into triumph. As a burn survivor myself, I was eager to read this book. I wasn't disappointed. It's an inspiring story of a woman we can all admire. Read my interview with Justina in tomorrow's post.

Horoscopes for the Dead by Billy Collins. A former U.S. poet laureate, Collins' latest poetry collection is witty and engaging. Here's my favorite poem, one you writers out there will relate to:
Feedback
The woman who wrote from Phoenix
after my reading there

to tell me they were all still talking about it

just wrote again
to tell me that they had stopped.

Do you have any books to recommend?

Quote for the Week: Friends

2011-08-30T08:03:00.001-07:00

"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though you are slightly cracked."
Bernard Meltzer

Quotes for the Week: Education

2011-08-22T14:46:00.001-07:00

The whole purpose of education is to turn mirrors into windows. ~Sydney J. Harris

You send your child to the schoolmaster, but 'tis the schoolboys who educate him. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

The best teachers teach from the heart, not from the book. ~Author Unknown

You can get all A's and still flunk life. ~Walker Percy

Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog. ~Doug Larson

If a doctor, lawyer, or dentist had 40 people in his office at one time, all of whom had different needs, and some of whom didn't want to be there and were causing trouble, and the doctor, lawyer, or dentist, without assistance, had to treat them all with professional excellence for nine months, then he might have some conception of the classroom teacher's job. ~Donald D. Quinn

The teacher who is indeed wise does not bid you to enter the house of his wisdom but rather leads you to the threshold of your mind. ~Kahlil Gibran

Back to School

2011-08-21T18:06:00.001-07:00

School starts today; yet it still feels like mid-summer. The temperature has been 100 degrees or more for days, with no sign of a break. Of course, schools today are comfortably air-conditioned. Back in my school days, that would have been an unheard-of luxury. But of course, our homes weren't air conditioned either. Nothing was, except movie theaters and a few large downtown buildings, so we didn't know any better.
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We started school around the second week of September and in a few weeks there were hints of fall in the air. On the playground, between hopscoth and jump rope, we collected acorns, took them home to shellack them and make them into necklaces. Football season brought cool nights and the sight of the University of Texas Tower bathed in orange light.

I remember most of my teachers (Long-term memory is the last to go.) Miss Lamar, my gentle first grade teacher; Miss Cook, the music teacher who always made me come up to the piano and try again to sing "I'm here" because I was, and am, tone deaf; Miss Hunter, the art teacher, who read Mary Poppins between art projects; Mr. Davis, the junior high science teacher who liked to read stupid answers from tests, which made me cringe with trepidation; Miss Brown, our high school English teacher who was married to the play-by-play sportscaster for the high school football games and who, we thought, was quite old. I glanced at her picture many years later in our high school year book and realized she must have been just past twenty.

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My favorite of all my teachers throughout school was Miss Hill, my high school Latin teacher. She was a small, thin woman with iron-grey hair, whose life revolved around Latin. She taught with love and filled us with love for Latin as well. From her came my delight in vocabulary words and their origins, my love of classical mythology and my fascination with Roman and Greek history. Not a bad inheritance.

Miss Hill was prim and proper and when we read the Aeneid and reached the story of the birth of the Minotaur, half man, half bull, she thought it too pruient for our adolescent sensibilities (How times have changed.) so we skipped it in class. But
at home, the telephone wires buzzed as we all worked to translate the "dirty" passage.

Miss Hill's greatest dream was to visit Rome and during my senior year her students raised the money to buy her a ticket, which was presented to her at a party. She was overwhelmed.

She is remembered as the remarkable teacher she was in Austin High School's Hall of Fame.

Did you have a memorable teacher--good or bad?

Memory of the Month

2011-08-16T18:53:00.000-07:00

A fellow widowhood blogger, Boo, whose blog is called Boo's Journey Through Widowhood, read my recent post about memories of Ralph and suggested I do a memory each month. So here's the first:

Ralph loved to tease me and his sisters, especially Karen, the closest sister in age. One year, just before her birthday, he was attending a computer expo when he came upon a booth at which you could have your picture taken and turned into a jigsaw puzzle. He promptly did this, took the puzzle apart and mailed it to Karen for her birthday. She opened the package, left it on the table and went to run some errands. While she was gone, her children put the puzzle together, got the joke and took the puzzle apart again for their mom to assemble. It was one of Ralph's favorite jokes and Karen's most memorable birthday gifts from her brother.

Quote for the Week: Song of the River by William Randolph Hearst

2011-08-15T17:30:00.000-07:00

Each year on the anniversary of William Randolph Hearst's death, the Houston Chronicle publishes this poem:

SONG OF THE RIVER

The snow melts on the mountain
And the water runs down to the spring,
And the spring in a turbulent fountain,
With a song of youth to sing,
Runs down to the riotous river,
And the river flows on to the sea,
And the water again
Goes back in rain
To the hills where it used to be.

And I wonder if Life's deep mystery
Isn't much like the rain and the snow
Returning through all eternity
To the places it used to know.
For life was born on the lofty heights
And flows in a laughing stream
To the river below
Whose onward flow
Ends in a peaceful dream.

And so at last,
When our life has passed
And the river has run its course,
It again goes back,
O'er the selfsame track,
To the mountain which was its source.

So why prize life
Or why fear death,
Or dread what is to be?
The river ran its allotted span
Till it reached the silent sea.
Then the water harked back to the mountaintop
To begin its course once more.

So we shall run the course begun
Till we reach the silent shore,
Then revisit earth in a pure rebirth
From the heart of the virgin snow.
So don't ask why we live or die,
Or wither, or when we go,
Or wonder about the mysteries
That only God may know.

When the Time Comes

2011-08-15T06:59:00.001-07:00

My husband was a pack rat. He had file cabinets overflowing with manila folders, folders in which he kept receipts for everything from computer equipment to styrofoam cups and paper clips, business contracts, cards and letters, scribbled notes, old lottery tickets (yes!), medical records and tax receipts. Somewhere among them were his will, long-term care policy and life insurance policy. Only because I tearfully insisted, did he take out those necessary papers before he went into the hospital for his stem cell transplant. If not, it would have taken me months to search for them after he died.

My year-long search of his files during my first year of widowhood turned up his sister's fifth grade three-ring binder, a poem he'd written about me and never showed me, and an investment he'd never gotten around to mentioning along with his car title, business contacts and a list of phone numbers I needed.

I vowed this would not happen to my children after my death. I gathered all my important information and put it in a small kit which I call When the Time Comes. The kit includes everything I could think of that the kids will someday need: end of life wishes, will, life insurance, IRA records, burial plot information, lists of friends to call, memorial service wishes, bank account numbers, safe deposit box key and bequests of personal property. I keep this kit in my study, and I've told my son and daughter exactly where to find it.

Death brings with it innumerable painful chores. Why add to them? This, to me, seems a solution. My children prefer to avoid the topic of what to do after I'm gone, but someday I'm sure they'll be glad I took on this task instead of leaving it to them. They'll have enough to cope with...when the time comes.

Quote for the Week

2011-08-08T15:34:00.001-07:00

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.
- C. S. Lewis

Award!

2011-08-08T13:20:00.000-07:00

I'm thrilled with this award. What an honor!

Interview with Margaret Anderson

2011-08-07T14:26:00.000-07:00

Today I'm interviewing author and friend, Margaret Anderson. She's well-known in Houston for teaching consensus-building, both at Rice University's Glasscock School of Continuing Education and as a consultant to congregations and corporations. Her book, Bridges to Consensus, gives readers the benefit of her experience in this field and, most importantly, presents them with skills they can use as they deal with co-workers, committees, family relationships, editor/agent relationsl...just about anywhere there's interaction with others.

Tell us about your background. How did you get interested in helping others get to consensus?

I've long wanted to teach--not to teach a captive audience of kids taking a required course, but rather adults who really want the material. I held that in the back of my mind as something to do if I found a topic that really grabbed me. Meanwhile, I began voraciously learning better consensus skills to help me at work. As I gained proficiency, I found these skills so life enhancing that I wanted to share them. Consensus skills grabbed me as my perfect teaching topic, and now training and consulting on those skills are my much-loved full-time profession.

What prompted you to write the book?

Several people had advised me that the best thing I could do for my training and consulting business was to write a book. I knew I could only take pride in the book if I gave it a unique slant. So, again, I held the thought until I developed a way to do that. In time, I hit upon two unique aspects that would make my book as effective as I envisioned. First, I included a number of detailed sample dialogues and arranged them in tables with the characters' statements running down one column and the skill-user's thought process side-by-side in another column. This helps readers see realistic examples of how they can actually use the skills. All my critiquing partners loved this approach. Second, I decided to focus on applications of the skills to faith communities. My title is Bridges to Consensus--in Congregations.

Your book is directed to congregations. Why did you choose that focus?

I chose it because of the need. In training and consulting to congregational groups and clergy, saw people who are trying to do good in the world, and knew they could do it better, easier and faster with these skills. Even in commercial environments, consensus skills usually work better than the command-and-control paradigm, but in congregations and other non-profits, these skills are even more important because non-profits rely heavily on volunteers. If volunteers don't like the way their concerns are dealt with (or not), they can vote with their feet much more easily than paid employees.

Do the techniques you suggest work as well in other situations?

Absolutely. I teach essentially the same skills in corporate groups, professional organizations, and my Rice Continuing Studies class, and I've used them myself with everyone from co-workers to family and friends.

I loved your “What would Spiderman do?” technique. Talk a little about that.

Great question. Sometimes a group leader tells the others to "think out of the box." Even when working alone, we tell ourselves we need to get more creative. But those directives are too general. When we hear them from ourselves or others, we tend to draw a blank. One technique I advise for creativity is to ask a very specific, but fanciful, question. You can take the template, "What would _______ do?" and fill the blank with anyone who is very different from yourself, such as Spiderman. The fanciful question draws fanciful, often silly, answers, which puts them out of the box.

For example, suppose I'm confronted by an angry individual accusing me of not doing my share of committee work? I want to stand up for myself, but I also want to calm the other person and remain on good terms. But this angry outburst came out of the blue, and I don't know how to respond. I can ask myself what Spiderman (or Dora the Explorer, or my grandmother) would do in my situation? One answer: Spidey could shoot a web high into the rafters, swing himself up there, and wait, watch and listen.

Now, this answer is silly in that I can't really shoot webs to the rafter and swing myself up. This idea won't work as is. But now I ask myself what is the workable part of Spidey's approach that I can use? I call this the Kernel of Goodness. My answer to this follow-up question might be the idea of getting myself above the fray rather than reacting knee-jerk to the other person. Like Spiderman, I can wait, watch and listen to the other person until either he calms down on his own, or his words inspire me to a response that feels right to me.

Tell us about the publishing process.

Oh, wow, there's so much to say about this. Because I already had a business platform from which to promote the book, I decided to self publish through a POD company. This allowed me to see print in months, rather than years, and to maintain complete editorial control.

As publisher, I chose createspace, which is affiliated with Amazon. They have many services, and an author can decide how much or how little to use. For example, I did not use their editing services because I had such good critiquing partners. However, I did use their designers for both the book interior and the cover. I love the little bridge motif at the beginning of each chapter. It ties in with my title Bridges to Consensus--in Congregations. I sent them a photo I liked for the cover, and they took it from there to create a beautiful complete design. They provided many proofs and opportunities for me to give feedback along the way, and once I accepted the final proof, they listed the book on its own page in their estore, and on Amazon, with the "look inside" feature. We're now working on the Kindle conversion.

One of the best things about createspace is that, though you pay up front, you get reasonable royalties down the road. My original package cost about $750; then I paid about $700 more for the special formatting required by my tables. I now earn about $6 some odd per book sold, a little more for books purchased from the estore.

I really liked the one-stop convenience. They took care of the ISBN and LCCN numbers and getting me up on Amazon. And there are more optional services I can buy if and when I wish, such as bookmarks, postcards, and sell sheets.

How are you publicizing the book? Emphasis on social media is really hot among writers now. Are you relying on social media to get the word out about your book?

Taking the advice I offer in the book, I keep my ultimate objective--using the book to promote my training courses and consulting services--in mind. I want to be sure that my promotion strategy is well-thought-out and efficient. That said, I'm doing several things hand-in-hand. First, I am using the fact that I'm the author of Bridges to Consensus--in Congregations when I seek training and speaking engagements for congregations and other religious organizations. Where permitted, I sell back-of-the-room after these events, so the book sales and appearances help to promote one another.

I am also using the internet to research congregations that are most likely to be receptive and sending direct, personalized email announcements about the publication to clergy and key lay leaders in these organizations. So far, I'm seeing a decent number of book sales as cold contacts go. Another objective here is to get a better read on whether I should target mostly clergy, mostly lay leaders, or both in my social media marketing.

I'm reading The Zen of Social Media Marketing by Shama Hyder Kabani to help me develop an efficient long-range social media strategy as I gain info on the best target audience for my topic. That could make a big difference in how much time I put into which media.

Anything else you’d like to tell us.

If your readers would like to see the createspace design work I've described above, I'd encourage them to "look inside" my book on Amazon. Just search for Bridges to Consensus--in Congregations, or paste the following into your browser: http://www.amazon.com/Bridges-Consensus-Congregations-Margaret-Anderson/dp/1453793011/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1312567968&sr=8-1

If they would like to see what a createspace estore page looks like, go to: https://www.createspace.com/3480463

And I'd be proud and pleased if they would visit my own website: www.persuasioncoach.com/nonprofit

Most of all, thanks for this opportunity to talk about the most exciting thing happening in my life right now.

Thanks, TZ

Quote for the Week

2011-08-01T17:45:00.001-07:00

Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.
Sam Keen

I agree, especially when it's 100 degrees every day and even the tropical storm didn't bring us much rain.

July Reading

2011-07-30T09:03:00.001-07:00

Day After Night by Anita Diamant. The author of the bestselling The Red Tent tells the story of four young girls in an internment camp in Palestine (before the establishment of the State of Israel). Survivors of World War II, these young women wait behind barbed wire to be repatriated to Palestine by the British. Based the true story of the escape from such a camp, the book tells about their lives and memories. I'd give it a B.

The Lovely Bones by Alice Seybold. I'd always intended to read this bestseller and I finally got around to it. I'm glad I did. The intriguing story of a teenage girl who was raped and killed and her "afterlife" in heaven as she views her family, friends and killer. It's was one of those books that keep you reading long after bedtime. Grade: A.

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Little Brother by Cory Doctorow. I read this one for my book club. The story of a teenage hacker who is mistakenly imprisoned after a terrorist attack on San Francisco and his attempt after his release to use his computer skills to bring down the Depaertment of Homeland Security. I liked it but probably would have liked it better if I were geekier. Grade: B.

The Truth About Grief: The Myth of its Five Stages and the New Science of Loss by Ruth Davis Konigsberg. I read all the books I find on grief and widowhood. This one was different and provocative. Refuting the commonly accepted Five Stages of Grief, Konigsberg rightly points out that Kubler-Ross originally intended these to be the stages of coming to terms with one's own death. Eventually extended to the stages of dealing with the loss of a loved one, Kubler-Ross's theory spawned a huge grief "industry." While contemporary experts believe the "stages" theory doesn't apply to everyone, or in fact to very many people, Konigsberg spends more of the book on a vitriolic attack against Kubler-Ross and the experts who followed her than she does explaining the newer theories. She does, however, suggest that most people manage grief more easily and quickly than Kubler-Ross and her followers would say, that few people profit from grief groups or grief counseling, and that many become needlessly guilt-ridden if they don't feel they move the five stages "correctly." I'd give this book an A because it certainly stimulates needed discussion about the management of grief.

Only one more month left for summer reading. What books do you suggest?

Thursday Review: Worst First Lines

2011-07-27T19:18:00.001-07:00

The results of the annual Edward Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (aka Worst First Lines Contest) are in. Cast a vote for your favorite with a Comment.

Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest
2011 Results
Cheryl’s mind turned like the vanes of a wind-powered turbine, chopping her sparrow-like thoughts into bloody pieces that fell onto a growing pile of forgotten memories.

Sue Fondrie

Oshkosh, WI

The winner of the 2011 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest is Sue Fondrie, an associate professor of Curriculum and Instruction at the University of Wisconsin Oshkosh who works groan-inducing wordplay into her teaching and administrative duties whenever possible. Out of school, she introduces two members of the next generation to the mysteries of Star Trek, Star Wars, and--of course--the art of the bad pun.

Prof. Fondrie is the 29th grand prize winner of the contest that that began at San Jose State University in 1982. The contest challenges entrants to compose bad opening sentences to imaginary novels takes its name from the Victorian novelist Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, who began his “Paul Clifford” with “It was a dark and stormy night.”

At 26 words, Prof. Fondrie’s submission is the shortest grand prize winner in Contest history, proving that bad writing need not be prolix, or even very wordy.

Runner-Up:

As I stood among the ransacked ruin that had been my home, surveying the aftermath of the senseless horrors and atrocities that had been perpetrated on my family and everything I hold dear, I swore to myself that no matter where I had to go, no matter what I had to do or endure, I would find the man who did this . . . and when I did, when I did, oh, there would be words.

Rodney Reed
Ooltewah, TN

Winner: Adventure

From the limbs of ancient live oaks moccasins hung like fat black sausages -- which are sometimes called boudin noir, black pudding or blood pudding, though why anyone would refer to a sausage as pudding is hard to understand and it is even more difficult to divine why a person would knowingly eat something made from dried blood in the first place -- but be that as it may, our tale is of voodoo and foul murder, not disgusting food.

Jack Barry

Shelby, NC

Runner-Up:

Sensing somehow a scudding lay in the offing, Skipper Bob tallied his tasks: reef the mains'l, mizzen, and jib, strike and brail the fores'l, mizzen stays'l and baggywrinkles, bowse the halyards, mainsheets, jacklines and vangs, turtle and belay fast the small cock, flemish the taffrail warps, batten the booby hatch, lay by his sou'wester, and find the bailing bucket.

Mike Mayfield

Austin, TX

Winner: Crime

Wearily approaching the murder scene of Jeannie and Quentin Rose and needing to determine if this was the handiwork of the Scented Strangler--who had a twisted affinity for spraying his victims with his signature raspberry cologne--or that of a copycat, burnt-out insomniac detective Sonny Kirkland was sure of one thing: he’d have to stop and smell the Roses.

Mark Wisnewski
Flanders, NJ

Runner-Up:

Five minutes before his scheduled execution, Kip found his thoughts turning to his childhood-- all those years ago before he had become a contract killer whose secret weakness was a severe peanut allergy, even back before he lost half of a toe in a gardening accident while doing community service-- but especially to Corinne, the pretty girl down the street whom he might have ended up marrying one day if she had only shown him a little more damn respect.

Andrew Baker
Highland Park, NJ

Dishonorable Mention:

The victim was a short man, with a face full of contradictions: amalgam, composite, dental porcelain, with both precious and non-precious metals all competing for space in a mouth that was open, bloody, terrifying, gaping, exposing a clean set of asymptomatic impacted wisdom teeth, but clearly the object of some very comprehensive dental care, thought Dirk Graply, world-famous womanizer, tough guy, detective, and former dentist.

Basil McDonnell

Vancouver, B.C.

Winner: Fantasy

Within the smoking ruins of Keister Castle, Princess Gwendolyn stared in horror at the limp form of the loyal Centaur who died defending her very honor; “You may force me to wed,” she cried at the leering and victorious Goblin King, “but you’ll never be half the man he was.”

Terri Daniel

Seattle, WA

Runner-Up:

Veronica, two months pregnant and attempting to get her boyfriend to notice, and Ricky, who wanted to end things with his expansive girlfriend, sat at a table-for-two around lunchtime at the Olive Garden in Columbus, Ohio, eying the bottle of house rosé which, unbeknownst to them, doubled as the portal key to Khrysandelt: The land where everything glitters slightly more than normal.

Andrew Allingham

Fairfax, VA

Winner: Historical Fiction

Napoleon’s ship tossed and turned as the emperor, listening while his generals squabbled as they always did, splashed the tepid waters in his bathtub.

John Doble

New York City

Runner-Up:

The executioner sneered as the young queen ascended the stairs to the guillotine; in the old days, he thought, at least there was some buildup, a little time on the rack or some disemboweling, but nowadays everyone wants instant gratification.

Andrea Rossi

Wilmington, NC

Winner: Purple Prose

As his small boat scudded before a brisk breeze under a sapphire sky dappled with cerulean clouds with indigo bases, through cobalt seas that deepened to navy nearer the boat and faded to azure at the horizon, Ian was at a loss as to why he felt blue.

Mike Pedersen

North Berwick, ME

Runner-Up:

The Los Angeles morning was heavy with smog, the word being a portmanteau of smoke and fog, though in LA the pollutants are typically vehicular emissions as opposed to actual smoke and fog, unlike 19th-century London where the smoke from countless small coal fires often combined with fog off the Thames to produce true smog, though back then they were not clever enough to call it that.

Jack Barry

Shelby, NC

Dishonorable Mentions:

LaTrina—knowing he must live—let her hot, wet tongue slide slowly over Gladiator’s injured ear, the taste reminding her of the late June flavor of a snow chain that had been removed from a tire and left to rust on the garage floor without being rinsed off.

Betsy Replogle

Nichols Hills, OK

Like a bird gliding over the surface of a Wyoming river rippled by a gentle Spring breeze, his hand passed over her stretch marks.

Patty Liverance

Grand Rapids, MI

Deep into that particular wet Saturday night ugly blues screamed out from the old man's horn like a hooker being hauled down a flight of stairs, regular thick loud thumps punctuated by nasty and erratic sharp barks.

John Benson
Carthage, MO 64836

She held my hand as if she were having a swollen barrel of fun which was off considering that my teeth were sitting on my bathroom cabinet (eight miles away, no less) and my elbow was peeling like a soggy coconut, the fine hairs of which were standing on edge in fear, as if the coconut had been reading “Dracula.”

James Hearn

Canterbury, Kent, U.K.

Winner: Romance

As the dark and mysterious stranger approached, Angela bit her lip anxiously, hoping with every nerve, cell, and fiber of her being that this would be the one man who would understand—who would take her away from all this—and who would not just squeeze her boob and make a loud honking noise, as all the others had.

Ali Kawashima

Greensboro, NC

Runner-Up:

Deanna waited for him in a deliberate pose on the sailor-striped chaise lounge of the newly-remodeled Ramada, her bustier revealing the tops of her white breasts like eggs--eggs of the slightly undercooked, hard-boiled variety, showing a nascent jiggle with her apprehensive breath, eggs that were then peeled ever-so-carefully so as not to pierce the jellied, opaque albumen and unleash the longing, viscous yolk within--yes, she lay there, oblong and waiting to be deviled.

Meredith K. Gray

Ithaca, NY

Dishonorable Mentions:

They called her The Cat, because she made love the way she fought, rolling rapidly across the floor in a big, blurry ball of shrieking hair, fury, and dander, which usually solicited a “Shut up!” and flung shoe from one of the neighbors, and left her exhilarated lover with serious patchy bald spots and the occasional nicked ear.

Lisa Kluber

San Francisco, CA

She gazed smolderingly at the mysterious rider, his body cloaked in enough shining black leather to outfit an Italian furniture store, wrapped so tightly each muscle stood out like a flamboyant Mexican hairdresser at an Alabamian monster truck rally; and he met her gaze with an intensity that couldn't have been matched by even a starving junkyard dog in the meat aisle of a suburban supermarket.

Chris Kemp

Annapolis, MD

Winner: Sci Fi

Morgan ‘Bamboo’ Barnes, Star Pilot of the Galaxia (flagship of the Solar Brigade), accepted an hors d’oeuvre from the triangular-shaped platter offered to him from the Princess Qwillia—lavender-skinned she was and busty, with two of her four eyes what Barnes called ‘bedroom eyes’—and marveled at how on her planet, Chlamydia-5, these snacks were called ‘Hi-Dee-Hoes’ but on Earth they were simply called Ritz Crackers with Velveeta.

Greg Homer

Placerville, CA

Runner-Up:

Sterben counted calcium bars in the storage chamber, wondering why women back on Earth paid him little attention, but up here they seem to adore him, in fact, six fraichemaidens had already shown him their blinka.

Elizabeth Muenster

Columbia, PA

Winner: Vile Puns

Detective Kodiak plucked a single hair from the bearskin rug and at once understood the grisly nature of the crime: it had been a ferocious act, a real honey, the sort of thing that could polarize a community, so he padded quietly out the back to avoid a cub reporter waiting in the den.

Joe Wyatt

Amarillo, TX

Runner-Up:

Monroe Mills' innovative new fabric-dyeing technique was a huge improvement over stone-washing: denim apparel was soaked in color and cured in an 800-degree oven, and the company's valued young dye department supervisor was as skilled as they came; yes, no one could say Marilyn was a normal jean baker.

Marvin Veto

Greensboro, NC

Dishonorable Mentions:

Convinced that the fabled Lost Treasure of Eggsbury was concealed within the statue of the beloved Sister Mary Francis in the village square, Professor Smithee would steal away in the darkest hour of each night to try to silently chip away at her impervious granite vestments – a vain and fruitless nightly exercise, he well knew, but it was a hard habit to break.

Rodney Reed
Ooltewah, TN

Milton’s quest for the love of Ms. Bradley was a risk but no sorry trivial pursuit, yet he hadn’t a clue why she had a monopoly on his heart’s desires -- in fact, it boggled his mind and caused him great aggravation because, in his checkered and troubled careers, he had always scrabbled hard and it drove him bonkers that she considered life just a game

Linda Boatright

Omaha, NE

Winner: Western

The laser-blue eyes of the lone horseman tracked the slowly lengthening lariat of a Laredo dawn as it snaked its way through Dead Man’s Pass into the valley below and snared the still sleeping town’s tiny church steeple in a noose of light with the oh-so-familiar glow of a Dodge City virgin’s last maiden blush.

Graham Thomas

St. Albans, Hertfordshire, U.K.

Runner-Up:

Sunburned and lost, Jake tightened the noose around Randy’s diaper-white neck and growled, “Any last words, varmint?” to which Randy replied, “Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb, Jake--that’s where all the fruit is!” which marked the first and last time Jake and the boys hired a life coach to lead one of their cattle drives.

Lisa Kluber

San Francisco, CA

Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions

Rosy lips aquiver, Lauren drizzled with tears the wave-tousled sands of Wampauset Municipal Area Public Access Beach, hearing in every shriek of shrike and plaint of plover the ancient wail--kreeAHH, kreeAHH!--of good women widowed by the sea, as well as tonal nuances indicating the shorebirds' relative levels of copulative receptiveness, for our umber-eyed heroine is both lover and ornithologist.

Anna Springfield

Raleigh, NC

Business was kinda slow at the 'If You Build It' sperm bank.

Simon Petrie

Hawker ACT, AUSTRALIA

Day broke upon the Baroness von Hestach with the pitiable insistence of all that she despised--a gray and unattractive intrusion into her sumptuous bedchamber, much like the Baron.

Holly Kohler

Concord, MA

No one walked down Bleak Street at night—not where hobgoblins hobnobbed, skeletons skulked, vampires vamped, and the dumpster behind the Chinese buffet smelled like zombies.

Bill Hartmann

Dallas, TX

Dawn crept up like the panther on the gazelle, except it was light, not dark like a panther, and a panther, though quiet, could never be as silent as the light of dawn, so really the analogy doesn’t hold up well, as cool as it sounds, but it still is a great way to begin a story; just not necessarily this particular one.

Warren Blair

Ashburn, VA

As the young officer studied the oak door, he was reminded of his girlfriend -- for she was also slightly unhinged, occasionally sticky, and responded well to being stripped and given a light oiling.

Ian Fishlock

Harrow, London

U.K.

The beast lumbered toward the maiden, its fetid breath announcing its presence to her (since she couldn’t see him due to the blindfold her captors had tied around her head), its jaws gaping open like a sub sandwich with too much meat, so that no matter how hard you try, you can’t possibly keep the lettuce or the tomatoes from squeezing out onto the table or, worse, your lap.

Donna P. Titus

Freeland, PA

All the signs, both actual and imagined, made it immensely clear there was trouble ahead for Marlene and, yet, her childlike sense of hope that maybe he was “the one” kept her foot on the accelerator pedal of life even when she came to the “bridge out” warning hand written in Magic Marker on Myron’s Polident cup.

Karen Arutunoff

Tulsa, OK

The grisly scene before him was like nothing Detective Smith had ever seen before, but there were millions and millions of things he had never seen before, and he couldn't help but wonder which of them it was.

Sean Griffin

Tacoma, WA

Maggie said they were birthmarks and they very well could be, but the three very small black moles in a horizontal line just above her right eyebrow looked like an ellipsis to some, but to others who did not know what an ellipsis was, they looked like three very small black moles in a horizontal line just above Maggie's right eyebrow.

Betty Jean Murray

Richland, TX

As she downed the last Dixie cup of Listerine and let every drop of its 21.6 percent alcohol content hit her like an icy mint anti-cavity brickbat, Karen squinted at the breasts dangling like two electrocuted ospreys from the powerline of her heart and, with a despondency born of a thousand nights spent gaining a decent skill level at internet mahjong, wondered how she and they had all three sunk so low.

Anna Springfield

Raleigh, NC

Her flaming red hair whipped in the wind like a campfire, stroking the embers of passion hidden within the hearth of my heart and I began to burn with a desire that seared me to my very core – oh the things that I would do if only I weren’t incarcerated for arson!

Aubrey Johnson
Edmonton, AB, Canada

Carmela's knees buckled and she (a responsible consumer) collapsed down onto the sidewalk, as her environmentally green grocery bag bounced -- spewing forth organic mixed lettuces, crispy eco-friendly cucumbers, juicy natural cherry tomatoes, home-grown herbs -- while in perfect synchronization, a recyclable plastic bottle burst open, spraying droplets of Lite-Italian dressing upon the freshly tossed salad.

Margie Parker

Weeki Wachee, FL

After five years as freelance writer, Greg finally managed to double his income, letting him add a processed cheese product slice to the baloney sandwiches he had for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Lawrence Person

Austin, TX

The mostly, but not quite, extinguished fire’s dying embers writhed upon the floor like tiny little wasps which someone has just stuck in the abdomen with a needle, and they are frantically contracting around the metal protrusion in their gut in a desperate effort to remove it which, let’s face it, is hopeless so they are just slowly dying and good riddance to them too, because unlike bees--which actually have some purpose in the world--wasps are just mean, ornery wastes of space, and who can blame someone for spearing them?

Darian McGee

Petal, MS

“Bleeeck!” nine-year-old prince Crawthula, lord of Undaria and heir to the vampire throne, cried as the lollypop, expertly wielded by his irksome sister, left a bright red gooey smear across his pale cheek, shattering the image of tranquility he was ineffectually trying to maintain in front of his undead ministers and beginning the tirade that resulted in them both being sent to coffin before the first human had been brought out to feast on.

Eric A. Vanderburg

Cleveland, OH

They kissed with the fury and suction of a dart that was shot onto the back of the bus driver’s fat bald head by the red-headed kid that was too big for his age (the rumor was he was “held back”) and everyone knew was going to end up in prison, or perhaps a prop comic if he straightened out in time.

D. Drake Daggett

Omro, WI

Awakened by a howling wind snapping branches against her new but poorly installed storm windows, Stella heard another sound she found puzzling so, grabbing her trusty Colt Python, she snuck stealthily downstairs to find an oddly-dressed gnome-like man methodically dropping breath mints onto her freshly-waxed kitchen floor.

Ann Hammack

Pittsboro,NC

"You're not in Kansas anymore, people!" the gruff Marine Captain bellowed as I wheeled myself along the tarmac of Planet Cliché, the only place in the Galaxy where you could mine Unobtainium, undergo the powerful Eywa ritual with a blue eight-foot-tall alien Princess, and discover a hunter-gatherer people who despite decades of human contact still hadn't developed the wheel, the composite bow, or toilet paper.

Adrian McKinty

Urgh the howler monkey was sort of the leader of his troop, though not old enough to be a silverback and not having fathered more than a couple of sons, but he did know where the good berries were and how to avoid the leopards, anacondas, and especially the hairless apes, the ones who crashed through the forest only to stand behind a tree and breathe noisily, and watch them and sometimes leave bunches of those disgusting bananas.

David S. Nelson

Falls Church, VA

Quote for the Week

2011-07-26T12:16:00.000-07:00

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one. ~Erma Bombeck

Widowhood Memories: Blurred and Sharp

2011-07-24T07:48:00.000-07:00

The other evening I came home and opened the door to an empty house. Had it always been this way, I wondered. Silent, still, except for the cats rubbing against my legs. Had I imagined those years when I came home to the sound of computer keys clicking, the aroma of one of Ralph's cooking sprees? Had I fallen asleep every night with a warm body next to mine--not a furry one as I do now--but a hunan one? All the laughter, arguments, hugs and hand-holding--had they really happened or were they only dreams? Sometimes the memories seem blurred. I turn on the answering machine to hear Ralph's voice again. I look through photographs to see younger versions of Ralph and me, surrounded by our children, or arms around each other on vacation when another tourist offered to snap our picture. There we are in our parkas on our voyage to Antarctica, there in Paris with the Seine flowing behind us, or here at home, hugging each other on our thirtieth anniversary. I fear that these memories will blur and fade. I promise myself I won't let them go.

Sometimes the memories are clear and sharp. The evening I socked him in front of his mother (yes, I admit it)for losing a key. The night we woke up at 2:00, couldn't go back to sleep and drove to IHOP for a pancake treat. Thanksgiving Day, 1998, hurrying to the hospital to witness the birth of our treasured granddaughter. A walk on the beach in Cozumel, watching the Brady Bunch with our kids and comparing the Brady family to our own blended family, giggling over an oxymoron or a pun. We disagreed vehemently and continuously over politics. Ralph's "did you remember to vote?" really meant "did you vote the way I did?" Usually not, but that didn't stop him from asking.

Although we'd married in our thirties-- both of us divorced from our first spouses--we were certain we'd celebrate our 40th anniversary, maybe even our 50th. It was not to be. Still, I hold fast to memories...and the tears.

In Memoriam: Borders Books and Music

2011-07-20T16:36:00.001-07:00

Borders was born in 1971 as an 800 square foot used bookstore in Ann Arbor, Michigan. It merged with Waldenbooks in 1992 and went public in 1995. Final chapter, 2011.

Bookstores are magic places, and Borders was a frequent and well-loved destination for me. It wasn't as classy as Barnes and Noble, as cozy as Blue Willow, an independent bookstore where I often did book signings, or as convenient as Amazon.com, which is just a click away. Still, it was my neighborhood store, minutes from my house. I knew my way around, could find Romance or Travel or Cookbooks with my eyes shut. I've browsed there and bought volumes that caught my eye and turned out to be some of my favorites. I've taken my granddaughter to Borders, bought gifts there, even had a date at their coffee shop. My Great Books group has held monthly meetings on the second floor for years. Lately we'd begun to notice that the air conditioning seemed to be running on half-power, a sure sign that the end was near.

I intend to take advantage of the liquidation sale, which should start in a few days. Then the hunt for another bookstore begins. But I'm sad. I feel like I'm losing a friend.

Quotes for the Week

2011-07-18T15:08:00.001-07:00

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When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. ~Henri Nouwen

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If you're alone, I'll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile. But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me. ~Author Unknown

Interview with Janet Boyanton

2011-07-17T17:02:00.001-07:00

Janet Boyanton is the author of Alone and Alive: A Practical Guide for Dealing with the Death of Your Husband, available on Amazon. If you read the reviews on Amazon's site, you'll see it isn't just for widows. I'm delighted to have the opportunity to interview her.

Your book has such a great title. Alone and Alive. It describes widowhood so well. Was this the first title you came up with or did you think of others?

It was the first title I came up with, however the sub-title was much more difficult. I wanted a statement that explained that the book was more then my story or a book about grief, but a book with practical help for the new widow. Alone and Alive clearly described my feeling of widowhood.

You’ve been a widow now for nine years. Is this a book you’d been planning for a long time or a fairly new project?

I conceived the idea of writing the book about 5 years ago and actually began work on it three years ago. The process of writing and refining the book took longer than I expected, but I wanted to make the book as clear and easy to understand as I could. I remember how confusing things were immediately after my husband’s death, so I tried to make this book easy to use.

As a probate attorney, what is the most common problem widows face in the early days of widowhood?

I think one of the most common problems I see in the early days following the death is widows being overwhelmed by the number of critical decisions they have to make. At a time when you are least able to think clearly the new widow must make decision about pension distributions, life insurance payments, probate, living arrangements, and many other issues. For some the amount of paperwork that must be done is daunting, and the paperwork is often very complicated to complete. The probate process is also very confusing. The new widow is given lots of advice by well-meaning friends, a much of it is incorrect, with regard to probate.

Do you see differences in the way women manage widowhood related to the way their husbands died—suddenly, after a long illness, etc.

Yes, to some extent. Where the husband has been ill for some time they may have had the opportunity to get their legal and financial affairs ready for death. That provides the new widow with some idea of what needs to be done after death. After an expected death the widow is often left without any knowledge of the family finances and without necessary estate planning paperwork. While all widows struggle with the same issues, those who lose a husband after a long illness are slightly better prepared.

What about widowers? In your experience, how are their needs and problems similar to women’s?

Widowers face many of the same problems as widows. Loneliness is a pronounced problem for the newly widowed man. Typically they have difficulty with meals and housework. They have the same concerns as widows, but not always the same difficulties. Though I find that widowers are just as confused as widows are about the processes they must go through with regard to the legal issues.
　
I enjoyed reading the insights of your son. What is he doing now?

Thomas is almost 20 and will be a sophomore at Austin College this fall. He has grown up to be a fine responsible young man. I am unreasonable proud of him for the way he has handled things. (Can you tell I am a Mother?)

I also appreciated the very practical suggestions you make for just getting through daily life. What was the hardest practical matter you faced as a young widow?

I think one of the hardest things was finding saying no to some of the well meaning suggestions of other people. As a new widow I was very vulnerable and it was hard to ell relatives and friends no. But I realized fairly quickly that I needed to do what was best for us and not what others thought was best.

The other practical matter I faced was finding competent repair men to fix the things. I had to try several services for repairs before I found people I could trust.

Any other advice?

Be patient with yourself. Healing takes time, but you will eventually feel whole again.

Thursday Review: It's National Ice Cream Month

2011-07-13T19:13:00.000-07:00

July is National Ice Cream Month. Isn't this the perfect time? What could be better than ice cream to beat the summer heat?

An average of 48 pints of ice cream per person per year is eaten in the U.S., which has the highest consumption of ice cream of any country.

It takes approximately 50 licks to finish a scoop of ice cream.

More ice cream is sold on Sunday than any other day of the week.

To learn everything you ever wanted to know about ice cream, including its history, the history of the cone, the most popular flavors in America and A Month of Sundaes--suggestions for an ice cream treat every day in July, visit www.homepages.rootsweb.ancestry.com/julieann/ice_cream

Quotes for the Week

2011-07-11T18:58:00.000-07:00

“Live as you would have wished to live when you are dying”
Christian Furchtegott Gellert

"Have the courage to live. Anyone can die.”
Robert Cody

Discussion Group: Death and Dying

2011-07-09T17:41:00.000-07:00

It's a taboo subject. We don't like to talk about it or think about it. Yes, it happens to everyone but until we're touched by it or facing it ourselves. we avoid it. So you may be surprised to hear that I belong to a group that discusses death on a monthly basis.

We are a subgroup of the Houston chapter of The Transition Network, an organization for women dealing with transition and focusing on what's next. You wouldn't think a special interest group on dying would have many takers, but as soon as our group filled up, a second one was formed and was eventually merged with the first.

Why do we choose to spend an evening each month talking about dying? Some of us have been touched by death; we've lost parents, friends, spouses. Some see death looming in the ever-decreasing distance and want to be ready to face the end and make it easier for our families to deal with.

We sometimes have speakers. We've had a hospital chaplain, an estate attorney, a physician. Sometimes we choose a topic to discuss. We've talked about our "pictures" of death, about creating ethical wills, about how and where we want to die. I think my own fears of death have lessened as we talk about the unknowable. I've come to appreciate the finite time I have left and to resolve to spend it wisely.

When I've mentioned this group to my internist and when we contacted the chaplain, their responses were, "What a wonderful idea for a discussion group. There should be more of them."

Oh yes, you may be wondering about the picture of sweets above. Answer: we meet in the evenings, so the name of our group has changed from Death and Dying to Death, Dying and Dessert.

Tuesday Quote for the Week

2011-07-05T11:52:00.000-07:00

Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability. ~Sam Keen

Confession: I am Addicted to THE TRIAL

2011-07-03T18:07:00.001-07:00

I have never been a fan of soap operas. I don't watch reality TV. I didn't follow the O.J. case. But I confess: I am addicted to the Casey Anthony trial. Every day and on into the evening, I am absolutely riveted. Doesn't matter how many times Vinnie or Jane or Nancy play a segment over, I still can't take my eyes off the TV.

Why?

You have to admit, the cast of characters is fascinating. I couldn't have invented a better bunch myself for one of my novels: Judge Perry, who runs his courtroom with a velvet glove and whom I love despite his substitution of v for th (This is the speech pathologist in me talking--I can't help it); Jeff Ashton, the prosecutor and my new hero; Jose Biaz, the sleazy defense lawyer; Roy Kronk, the meter reader who, one of the commentators said is responsible for a new vocabulary word--to be "kronked" is to be raked over the coals for trying to do the right thing; George and Cyndi Anthony, the distraught parents of Casey (Did they lie on the stand?); and Casey herself, a stone-faced enigma, pathological liar.

Above all, there are the heart-wrenching videos of Caylee. Today the prosecutor said one reason for Casey's getting rid of her child was that she was becoming too verbal, something I've thought for a long time.

What's the deeper reason for America's...and my...addiction? We can't wrap our minds around the idea of doing away with our own adorable child. Yes, it happens. Statistics indicate that over 200 children are killed in this country each year by their moms. And yet...

The Anthony family could be our next door neighbors. Doesn't that send shivers up our spines? If we can't trust these attractive middle-class people, who can we trust? I keep waiting for someone to show me this crime didn't happen, that this young woman would never have done such a monstrous act. But it did happen. And I want to see justice done.

I read an article online by a psychiatrist the other day. Here's what he had to say about our fascination with this situation: Ms. Anthony, whether a killer or a mother who inexplicably did not report her daughter missing for over a month, is a conduit for buried, forgotten terrors still inside all of us.

During childhood, we were all so vulnerable physically and emotionally, so entirely dependent on the good will of our guardians, that we suppressed the thought that we could be with a mother or father who disliked us, wished we did not exist, or might even be able to act on it. Such fears are, in childhood, unthinkable, and, in adulthood, still locked deep inside us.

Casey Anthony, the pretty, smiling, mother who may well have murdered her daughter is, in fact, every adult's worst, long-denied childhood nightmare.

The chance to see such a woman in captivity, and to ponder what she is accused of, is like going to the zoo to see the rarest, deadliest monster you can imagine, the one resurrected from the deepest recesses of your mind in its most fragile moments. And, what's more, even if she is that monster, she may or may not be freed.

I think he sums it up very well.

What about you? What's your opinion of Casey? What's your prediction about the verdict?

June Reading

2011-06-30T15:37:00.001-07:00

June wasn't a very good month for reading. Early on, I was feeling so sick that I didn't have the energy to pick up a book. But I did manage to read three:

Alone and Alive by Janet Boyanton. Reviewed this month on this blog.

The Empowered Patient by Elizabeth Cohen. Also reviewed earlier this month.

Mr. Toppit by Charles Elton. This book was inspired by the life of A.A. Milne's son, who apparently never came to terms with being the model for Christopher Robin. In Elton's book, the main character's father modeled the young boy in a series called The Hayseed Chronicles on him. As the books become world-famous, the son deals with his own response to fame. It's a quirky book. The first half was interesting, but the book gradually lost steam. The most intriguing part was Mr. Toppit the sinister and elusive character in the Hayseed Chronicles. If you want to know more, there's apparently a website about these imaginary books. I'd give the book a B.

Jeopardy: Here are the Questions

2011-06-27T17:51:00.000-07:00

1. What is a Portuguese water dog?

2. Who are the Brontes?

3. Who is Lurch?

4. What is semaphore?

5. Who is Anne Hathaway?

6. What is covalent? or What is electrovalent?

7. What are mouse ears?

8. What is "The Shining?"

9. What is the ponderosa pine?

10. What is the IPod?

Jeopardy

2011-06-26T17:58:00.000-07:00

I love Jeopardy. This year my daughter gave me a 365 day Jeopardy calendar. So far I've made $92,200 imaginary dollars supplying answers to Jeopardy questions. I'm shooting for $150,000. Then maybe I'll take an imaginary trip around the world.

Anyway, I thought it would be fun to throw out some answers from my calendar and you can see how much you win. Leave your responses in the Comment section. I'll supply the correct answers...er, questions tomorrow. Each is worth $1000. Get them all right and you've won $10,000 imaginary dollars. Remember, your answers must be in the form of a question.

1. A giftr from Ted Kennedy to the Obamas, first dog Bo is this breed.

2, In this family, sisters Emily, Charlotte and Anne all wrote novels.

3. In the early 60s Maynard G. Drebbs would say, "You rang?" Later this Addams family character used it, too.

4. First developed in France in 1794, this system of communication's name is from the Greek for sign bearing.

5.She got an Oscar nomination for her role as the troubled sister in Rachel Getting Married.

6.The two main types of chemical bonds are ionic and this.

7.As a friend of Walt Disney, Roy Williams was the first to put these on a hat.

8.The title of thi 1980 scarefest refers to the telepathic powers of Danny, Jack Nicholson's son in the film.

9. Montana's state tree is this type of pine; Bonanza men called it home.

10.Models of this Apple product have included the Shuffle, the Nano and the Touch.

Good luck!

Writing to Me is...

2011-06-24T18:35:00.001-07:00

Today's post is in conjunction with the Blog-A-Licious Blog Tour a fantastic blog hop that brings together bloggers of all genres, backgrounds and locations. In today's hop, the blog featured before Widowsphere is Big Ideas. You can find it at www.tinahoggatt.wordpress.com The blog featured after Widowsphere is the captivating www.blogaliciousblogs.blogspot.com Do stop by and say hello plus some of us are having giveaways and contests. Enjoy!

Here are my thoughts on what writing means to me:

When I was four years old, I composed a poem about a chicken, a rabbit and a pig, then announced I would be a writer when I grew up. My parents were impressed but none of us believed my prediction would come true. In my day, when you grew up, you became June Cleaver. You wore your pearls as you vacuumed the living room and made scrumptious meals for Ward and the boys. Maybe you wrote a few notes on your monogrammed stationery, but you certainly didn't have time to sit down at your typewriter and compose a story or an essay, not with all the housework, gardening, mothering, and wife-ing.

But eventually I did become a writer. Romance novels first, then essays, and now I'm shopping a memoir. I can't imagine not writing. When I wrote novels, writing allowed me to escape (I needed to, with 3 teenagers in the house) to imagine, and to think of ways to describe the sex act without using real anatomical terms.

After my husband died, writing gave me an outlet for my grief and anger, a way to fill lonely, empty hours, and a place to preserve my memories.

Now through essays, I can think through problems and issues and perhaps give them a new slant. Blogging began as a means of connecting with and supporting other widows but it's become much more: a chance to express my views on things great and small and an opportunity to meet others who love writing as much as I do.

Life without writing could never be as full as life with writing.

June 23: International Widows Day

2011-06-22T17:59:00.000-07:00

June 23, International Widows Day.

When I first saw this on the Internet, I thought, "So now we get a day? Is this like Mother's Day? Do we get presents? Cards? Flowers? And from whom?"

Or this could be a day for reflecting on our status as widows. A time to try to erase the stereotype of widows as black-clad victims and teach the world to view us as what we really are--survivors. We've had no choice but to survive, to continue our life journeys alone. Most of us have grown braver over the years. Like rocks continually buffeted by wind and rain, we've lost some of the rough edges of early widowhood. We've learned to ignore careless words, to face life challenges. We haven't chosen this path, but here we are, so we're doing our best. Congratulations to us.

The real purpose of International Widows Day is to highlight a day on which the world is asked to focus, if only for 24 hours, on the plight of widows in third world countries. These are women whose problems are so staggering just because they are widowed that we can hardly imagine them. These are women who often must work as virtual slaves, who are villified, raped, ostracized just because their husbands have died. If you're a widow, or even if you aren't, spare a thought and a prayer for these women. Or if you can, contribute some small amount for their welfare. Google International Widows Day for suggestions.

Tuesday Quotes: Ten Quotes about Gardens and Gardening

2011-06-21T10:47:00.000-07:00

My green thumb came only as a result of the mistakes I made while learning to see things from the plant's point of view. ~H. Fred Dale

The greatest gift of the garden is the restoration of the five senses. ~Hanna Rion

Gardens are a form of autobiography. ~Sydney Eddison, Horticulture magazine, August/September 1993

How fair is a garden amid the trials and passions of existence. ~Benjamin Disraeli

I think that if ever a mortal heard the voice of God it would be in a garden at the cool of the day. ~F. Frankfort Moore, A Garden of Peace

It pleases me to take amateur photographs of my garden, and it pleases my garden to make my photographs look professional. ~Robert Brault

One of the most delightful things about a garden is the anticipation it provides. ~W.E. Johns, The Passing Show

Plants give us oxygen for the lungs and for the soul. ~Linda Solegato

I appreciate the misunderstanding I have had with Nature over my perennial border. I think it is a flower garden; she thinks it is a meadow lacking grass, and tries to correct the error. ~Sara Stein, My Weeds, 1988

Why try to explain miracles to your kids when you can just have them plant a garden. ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com

Planting Joy

2011-06-18T16:25:00.000-07:00

For years I've hated my front yard.

Two intruders, bushes we certainly did not plant, appeared one summer near the sidewalk and proceded to grow larger and more unsightly. The "island" in the middle also annoyed me, with its stump of a tree we had cut down, its uninteresting evergreen bushes and its ground cover that somehow never covered the ground. Every time I drove up, I cringed. Well, not every time, but enough to make me think, "This is a widow house--sad."

This year I decided to fix the yard. Not by myself, of course. I called a landscaper who had done some work in the back. When we met, I told him I wanted azaleas. "You can't have them," he said. "I only plant them in yards with a sprinkler system."

I was disappointed. Then I thought about it. Azaleas signal spring in Houston, but how long is our spring? About three weeks, then the azaleas are just large green bushes. So, okay. No azaleas.

Instead, he planted lantana, iris, day lillies, bottle brush, knockout roses, and some other things I can't name. I can't believe how lovely my yard looks now and how it has lifted my spirits this rather depressing summer. Yes, it probably isn't the best summer to plant. Texas is in the midst of the worst drought in history. My water bill will probably put a dent in my finances for the rest of the summer. Unless we have a tropical storm and it starts to rain...but I don't want to think of that. I'm too happy enjoying the newfound beauty around me.

What cheers you? Please leave a comment--they make me happy, too.

Thursday Review: Alone and Alive

2011-06-16T10:10:00.000-07:00

Alone and Alive: A Practical Guide for Dealing with the Death of Your Husband by Janet Boyanton. Shafer Publishing, P.O. Box 134, Lyons, NJ 07939.

Alone and Alive: Janet Boyanton had me at the title. You've lost your mate, but you are still here. You have a life to live and, hopefully, to make the most of. In the early days the struggle may seem insurmountable, but this little book will help you through. It's the most practical book I've read on making it through widowhood, and believe me, I've read just about all of them.

Janet Boyanton knows whereof she speaks. Her husband died suddenly while on an outing with their nine-year-old son. She intersperses her own story throughout the book as she touches on everything the new widow has to cope with--probate, insurance, social security, mortgage payments. She talks about decisions. Should the widow continue living in the family home? Can she afford it? Is living alone a good idea or not? What about managing all the "stuff" of your husband's--clothes, papers, junk? She touches on managing home repairs, even yard work. Dealing with children's grief, taking care of one's health--everything you can think of is here.

The author is a probate attorney so she has dealt with widowhood professionally as well as personally, and her chapter is probate is one of the most useful.

If you know someone who is recently widowed, this would be a wonderful gift. And if that someone is you, make it a gift to yourself.

Available on Amazon.

Relationships, Part 2: Widowhood

2011-06-13T19:19:00.001-07:00

Monday I wrote about the conference I attended in Austin and what I took away from it as a writer. Today I want to extend that, because I found that everything I learned about writers' relationships applied to me as a widow as well.

It's all about relationships, isn't it? As a widow, you've lost the most intimate and important relationship you had. Life will never be the same again. Even when your grief subsides a bit, you'll never recapture that same bond. Not even if you remarry.

So what's left?

For me, relationships helped me build the foundation of a new life--not the life I'd have chosen but the only one I have. My family, friends, colleagues gave me support when I needed it most. But, as the writers' conference panelists emphasized, relationships go both ways. I had to learn to stand on my own and not rely on others all the time, even when I wanted to. The past few weeks, wiped out from an upper respiratory infection, I've had an overwhelming urge to pick up the phone, call everyone I know and whine at them. But I haven't--at least not much.

And what does the new social landscape tell us as widows? Facebook gives us a chance to connect with old friends, keep up with far-flung acquaintances and relatives. One of the conference panelists compared Facebook to a family reunion and Twitter to a cocktail party. I don't tweet, so I can't speak to that. But I do know that the Internet has allowed me to expand my relationships. I've met people through the She Writes community, which has a group for every genre, every niche. Through my blog, I've connected with other widows, exchanged ideas with the people who really understand what widowhood is about. Those two connections have become vitally important to me.

I think you have to use this new medium wisely. It's easy to become so engrossed in blogging, tweeting, commenting, linking that you lose sight of why you're doing this in the first place. Don't let it keep you from your real writing or, God forbid, make it a substitute for living.

Be honest and open but be safe. As a widow, you're alone and maybe vulnerable. We hear too many sad tales of people whose lives have been shattered by on-line scams or romances. We've already been through one tragedy; we can't risk another.

But internet friendships haven't replaced real-life friendships--laughing over lunch, sharing jokes only you and your pals "get," making plans, and yes, gossiping. My friendships go back to elementary school. And there's my family. There's no bond that goes so deep. Keep it strong.

Relationships: Part 1

2011-06-13T06:41:00.001-07:00

"No man is an island," said John Donne.

No woman is either.

I spent the weekend in Austin at a writer's conference. Yes, there were workshops on e-publishing, self-publishing, tradiditional publishing, on how to craft the perfect pitch, query, synopsis...but more than ever, the emphasis was on crafting relationships.

We think of writing as a solitary professions, of writers as hermits, holed up in their studies with only a computer for company. Not so much, say the experts. Long gone are the days when Thoreau could sit at Walden Pond and think of nothing but nature and writing.

This post will deal with the relationship aspect of writing; tomorrow I want to apply what I learned to widowhood. This is a widow's blog, after all.

For writers, most speakers stressed the importance of social media to a writer's success. It's crucial to be accessible. When I wrote romance, I used to get fan mail every now and then. It takes time for a reader to sit down, write a letter, find an address and put the letter in the mail. Now, in 30 seconds a reader can send off an e-mail, comment on a blog, like a page on Facebook or tweet directly to an author. You the writer can post your news, pub date, upcoming releases, even pictures of the dog that inspired a character in your latest novel.

Relationships extend to agents, editors, publishers, publicists, book store owners, media outlets...I guess, the world. Yes, writers, the world is at your fingertips.

In many ways this is quite wonderful; in others, scary. We are never alone, never far from public scrutiny. If you don't want it on YouTube, don't do it. Don't even think it.

The most important thing I took away from all this was that relationships are not to be abused. They're two-way. If you think of your relationships as only something to use for your own benefit, you're missing the message. Like all good friendships, they are as much about giving as getting. If you let readers in on your world, make sure you're as honest with these people you can't see as you are with your best friend. Make sure you are respectful of people who take the time to reach out to you.

The guy who was sitting next to me at a workshop, gestured toward the panel of agents who were set to speak. "They think we're the enemy," he remarked. I disagreed. I don't think he got it. In this world, there are no enemies. We're all allies and must treat one another as such.

And how to I apply this to widowhood? Stop back tomorrow. Thanks for reading.

Tuesday Quote for the Week

2011-06-06T15:54:00.000-07:00

This dovetails nicely with yesterday's post:

"Eating without conversation is only stoking."
Marcelene Cox

Restaurant Babble

2011-06-05T10:35:00.001-07:00

I confess. I love to eat. And, although I enjoy cooking, I love to go out to eat even more. I like the atmosphere of a fancy "in" restaurant, the feeling that I'm part of the crowd of sophistocated foodies. And yes, I also like down home hamburger joints, chain restaurants, and cozy neighborhood bistros. I've even been known to enjoy an airport concourse meal (but not too often).

What I don't like is NOISE. I don't want to have to shout across the table to make my companions understand, to cup my ears to half-hear what they're saying. I want a relaxing conversation to go with my nice meal, not an exhausting melee of clattering dishes, clinking wine glasses, giggling diners, intruding music. If I wanted all that clatter, I'd go to a Little Leagus game. Or the upcoming Britney Spears concert.

You know why so many people in these places are texting? Because THEY CAN'T HEAR EACH OTHER SPEAK.

It can't be because I'm a senior citizen. Surely other people want to communicate with their dinner partners in some other way besides shouts, grunts and sign language.

Why, oh why do the classiest of restaurants have to add to the noise level with high, hard ceilings, uncarpeted floors, lack of acoustic tile? Yeah, it makes them seem busier and livelier when the noise level increases--wow, this place is really hot--and maybe you eat faster to get out of there and into a quiet car or even a motorcyle. I guess it's good for business, but not for mine. I've been to several hot spots in Houston lately and my friends and I decided to cross them off our to-go list and come up with a list of "quiet dining for adults restaurants" in the Houston area. I'm thinking of enlisting the help of the Whine and Dine column in the Houston Chronicle, or starting a blog on quiet eating.

What's your opinion?

Thursday Review: The Empoered Patient by Elizabeth Cohen

2011-06-02T11:10:00.000-07:00

An unlikely birthday gift but a useful and appreciated one, The Empowered Patient by CNN medical correspondent Elizabeth Cohen, is a book that belongs on everyone's shelf. It contains commonsense information on how to find "Dr. Right" and some red flags that you may be getting "Dr. Wrong," suggestions on questions to ask during a doctor visit, information on dealing with insurance companies and drug companies, how to stay healthy or at least not get sicker if you're hospitalized. Do you know if your doctor is prescibing a medication produced by a company with which he/she has some financial involvement? Suggestions on how to find out are listed. Best of all, the book contains an appendix with a worksheet to bring to medical appointments and a list of useful websites on evaluating physicians and hospitals. The internet is an ocean of medical and faux-medical information; this book helps patients use it sensibily.

As I think back to my husband's year long battle with leukemia, I regret having not been as empowered as I might have been. From my own experience, I have some additional suggestions. One thing I learned was to bring a tape recorder to medical appointments to be sure we really did understand what was said in the midst of stressful sessions, to take someone with us so we could have another pair of ears, perhyaps a more objective opinion on what went on.

Time pressure is often a serious concern especially when dealing with critical illlnesses or medical emergencies. Sometimes we jump into or get pushed into a solution without having time to think it through. Finding out what is a realistic interval for making far-reaching decisions is important and may be life-changing.

If you have suggestions for becoming a more empowered patient, bring them on.
And thanks to my friend Lynn for the book.

Whiney Week

2011-05-30T08:55:00.001-07:00

This has been an absolutely cruddy week. I returned home from Iowa on Sunday, got sick on Monday with an upper respiratory infection and have been feeling lousy ever since. I went to the doctor and he gave me "the works"--antibiotic, steroid shot, cough medicine, nose spray--all of which helped the infection but have made me so sleepy I feel like I'm living in a parallel universe. This is absolutely the strangest feeling, like I'm walking around in my sleep, seeing the world through fuzzy glasses. My cats are annoyed with me; I have not encouraged them to play with me. The one thing I managed to get done on schedule was water my grass. I'm having some planting done and I'm following orders to water every day--we're in the midst of a drought. I spent most of the week dozing, reading, watching TV shows that did not require thinking. I hate being this way, behind on everything but without enough energy to care. Is that one year older making a difference? I hope not. Hopefully, I'll be my usual cheery self in a few days.

Books I've Read in May

2011-05-28T08:23:00.001-07:00

Read, read, read. That's all I've done the last week while laid up with a miserable upper respiratory infection. Here's my reading for May:

Strangers in Death by J.D. Robb (Nora Roberts) I haven't read an "in Death" book in a while but this is one of the better ones. Eve Dallas is at her usual peak performance as she solves the murder of a much-admired billionaire. Fun reading.

The Reef by Nora Roberts. One of her big romance novels and, again, a better one. Treasure hunting, deception, lots of hot, steamy love scenes.

Something Wicked This Way Comes by Ray Bradbury. I had never read this, mentioned as one of the great gothic stories of all time. Two young boys in a small town get mixed up with a sinister, supernatural carnival. I found it rather draggy. Not a keeper for me. Now, if I could locate the ISBN number, I'd list it on Paperback Swap, but for some reason, I can't.

Odd Thomas by Dean Koontz. A fry cook with a gift for communicating with the dead tries to avert a tragedy in a small California town. Quirky characters, "different" kind of mystery. Fun.

The Emperor of All Maladies: A Biography of Cancer by Siddhartha Mukherjee. My serious book for the month. Winner of this year's Pulitzer for general non-fiction, it's a long but fascinating look into the science and treatment of cancer.

Quote for the Week by Erma Brombeck

2011-05-24T19:58:00.000-07:00

Passing the Purple Hat to You

IN honor of women's history month and in memory of Erma Bombeck who lost her fight with cancer.

Pass this on to five women that you want watched over.

If you don't know five women to pass this on to, one will do just fine.

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck
(written after she found out she was dying of cancer).

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, 'Later. Now go get washed up for dinner.' There would have been more 'I love you' More 'I'm sorry's.'

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute, look at it, and really see it . . live it and never give it back.
STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!!

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.

Send this on to all the women you are grateful to have as friends.

Maybe we should all grab that purple hat earlier.

Please send this to five phenomenal women today in celebration of Beautiful Women's Month.

Stones or Flowers: A Visit to my Husband's Grave

2011-05-22T16:54:00.000-07:00

Last week I made my annual pilgrimage to Iowa to visit my late husband's grave and to spend time with his family...my family. The cemetery sits on the outskirts of the small town where Ralph grew up, across the highway from a field. The graves there are adorned with flowers, some fresh, others artificial. I don't place flowers on his grave.

It is a Jewish custom to leave a small rock on a gravestone each time you visit. It is a sign of respect and caring for the dead to place a pebble there. If you walk through a Jewish cemetery, you will see a row of pebbles on top of each gravestone. Although Ralph was not Jewish (which is why we won't be buried next to one another)I maintain this custom. Flowers wilt; rocks last, just as love and memories will last.

Perhaps Jewish graves look drab, but Jewish burial customs and funeral rites are austere. No music, no flowers, no special funeral clothes--just a shroud. The casket is made completely of wood. Not just a plain pine box--many Jewish coffins are beautiful, but no metal is used. Jews are buried as soon as possible after death, with no embalming, and the wooden casket ensures that the body will return to the earth from which it came. The service ends with the Mourner's Kaddish, a prayer that speaks, not of death, but of the majesty of God.

Ralph had a Christian funeral, as he should have, but my tiny pebbles that march across his grave are a sign that love between an interfaith couple can flourish and last.

Quote for the Week

2011-05-16T15:18:00.001-07:00

Since I'm thinking about birthdays....

Inside every older person is a younger person -
wondering what the hell happened.
- Cora Harvey Armstrong

Another Year

2011-05-15T15:37:00.000-07:00

Time slips by. Next Monday, May 23, I'll be another year older. Well, I like to think that literally I'll be only another day older, but there will definitely be a new number to add to my age. Strange, because inside I'm sure I'm sixteen. A wiser sixteen, with more patience and hopefully more common sense. I'm not as apt to lose my temper or cry at the slightest thing; in other words, I've learned not to sweat the small stuff.

What if I could live life all over again? I would be more adventurous, less shy (although I recently heard shy people are hard-wired for that trait). I'd make more savvy investments--the future comes faster than I ever thought. I'd learn to be more independent, I'd analyze situations more thoughtfully. I wouldn't worry; I'd realize worrying doesn't solve problems, just keeps you up at night.

Or maybe I wouldn't change at all. There's an old play called Dear Brutus in which a group of people are each given another chance at life, an opportunity to change the "if only's," to be better people, more insightful, luckier at love and career. What happens? Each makes the same mistakes the second time around. The title of the play comes from a quote in Shakespeare's Julius Caesar: "The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars but in ourselves than we are underlings."

Could I change the qualities I don't like in myself? Would I? No one gets that second chance.

What would you do differently if you had a chance to do it all over again?

Thursday Review: The Transition Network

2011-05-11T15:44:00.001-07:00

A couple of years ago I was browsing through Borders, looking for nothing in particular when I came across a book called Smart Women Don't Retire: They Break Free. The title intrigued me, but what could this book do for me? Was I really thinking about retirement? And did I need another volume to add to my TBR file? No. I put the book back and went home.

In my study, my mind drifted back to the book. It seemed to call to me. Thinking "I'm nuts," I got out my car keys, picked up my purse and went back to Borders. I bought the book and that was one of the luckiest purchaes I ever made.

Not only did it have useful information, it introduced me to The Trnasition Network, a national organization for woman 50 and over looking for what's next. I checked their website and there was a Houston chapter. I attended the next meeting and met a group of dynamic women who have since become an important part of my life. These women are or have been professionals. They are thoughtful and interested in all aspects of the second half of life. Some are transitioning into retirement, but TTN isn't just about that. It focuses on transition to new careers, new relationships, new stages of life. Our group has a monthly "conversation." We've talked about resilience, aging parents, travel, bucket lists, and have even had forthright conversations about sex.

We have subgroups as well--on retirement, end of life issues, cooking. We've even written an anthology of transition stories, which will be out later this year.

Check out TTN's website at www.thetransitionnetwork.org.

Quote for the Week

2011-05-09T15:52:00.001-07:00

As a speech pathologist, this is one of my favorite quotes:

"The limits of my language mean the limits of my world."
Ludwig Wittgenstein

Mother's Day

2011-05-08T08:11:00.001-07:00

This was forwarded to me by a friend, and I thought I'd pass it along.

It all began to make sense -- the blank stares, the lack of
> response, the way one of the kids would walk into the room while I'm on the
> phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm
> on the phone?'
>
>
> Obviously
> not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or
> even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm
> invisible. The invisible Mom.Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more!
> Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this??
>
>
> Some
> days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask,
> 'What time is it ?" I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the
> Disney Channel?' I'm a taxi for order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'
>
>
> Some
> days I'm a crystal ball; 'Where's my other sock? Where's my phone? What's for
> dinner?'
>
>
> I
> was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that
> studied history, music and literature -but now, they had disappeared into the
> peanut butter, never to be seen again She's going, she's going, she's gone!
>
>
> One
> night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend
> from England . She had just returned from a fabulous trip, and she was going on
> and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at
> the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel
> sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when she turned to me with a
> beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on
> the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it
> to me until I read her inscription:
>
> 'With admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'
> (What a beautiful gift she gave me)
>
> In the days ahead I would read - no, devoured - the book. And I
> would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which
> I could pattern my work:
>
>
>
> 1) No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their
> names
>
> 2) These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see
> finished.
>
> 3) They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.
>
> 4) The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God
> saw everything.
>
>
> A
> story of legend in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral
> while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the
> inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so
> much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, No
> one will ever see it. And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'
>
>
> I
> closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if
> I heard God whispering to me, I see you. I see the sacrifices you make every
> day, even when no one around you does.
>
> No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no
> cupcake you've baked, no Cub Scout meeting, no last minute errand is too small
> for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you
> can't see right now what it will become.
>
>
>
> I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of
> the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on
> something that their name will never be on.
>
>
> When
> I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing
> home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and
> bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for 3 hours and presses
> all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a monument to myself.
> I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to
> say to his friend, he'd say, 'You're
> gonna love it there...'
>
>
> As
> mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it
> right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at
> what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the
> sacrifices of invisible mothers.
>
>
>
>
>
>

Thanks to melissakline.blogspot.com

2011-05-07T14:50:00.000-07:00

Many thanks to Melissa Kline for the Versatile Blogger Award. I'm displaying it proudly. Please visit Melissa's site--see link above.

Now I'm passing the award on to the following bloggers (Note that I'm not including the 26 I listed from the A to Z Challenge. Everyone should have a chance for an award, don't you agree?

www.boomayhew.blogspot.com
www.womannshadows.blogspot.com
www.suddenwidowblogspot.com
www.laundrylinedivine.com
www.debragrayelliot.blogspot.com\
www.departingthetext.blogspot.com
www.onbeingboth.wordpress.com
www.writingwithoutpaper.blogspot.com
www.gypsyroxylee.wordpress.com
www.monicastangledweb.com
www.recoveryourjoy.blogspot.com
www.crazyladywithapen.blogspot.com
www.gardengatewares.blogspot.com
www.frogrules.blogspot.com
www.connectere.wordpress.com

And here are my secrets. That's part of the deal. If you get the award, you direct traffic to the person who gave it to you, pass it on to 15 other bloggers, and tell 7to 10 secrets about yourself. I listed 25 facts about me, so I think these secrets have to be different. Here goes:

1. The only time I played hooky in school was when the art teacher said the next time we came to her class we had to draw something besides a house and a tree, and I knew I couldn't. (Still can't.)

2. I can't eat chocolate; it gives me migraine. (My life is tragic, isn't it?)

3. I once spent the night in the deserted Minneapolis airport when my plane got in past mightnight.

4. I know the capitals of all 50 states.

5. I have been in 44 of the 50 states. I haven't visited Rhode Island, Michigan, North Dakota, South Dakota, Idaho, or Montana.

6. I caught chicken pox from a child the first year I worked as a speech pathologist and had to cancel my New Year's Eve date. He didn't believe my story and called at midnight to be sure I was home.

7. My favorite class in high school was Latin. Our Latin teacher was so beloved that her students raised money to buy her a ticket to Rome, to fulfill her lifelong dream.

Thursday Review: www.realage.com

2011-05-04T12:37:00.001-07:00

Here's one of my favotie sites on the World Wide Web. If you want to be healthy--and who doesn't?--this is the place to go for tips on what to eat, vitamin supplements, exercise videos, games to keep your brain young, recipes, latest healt info, and, of course the Real Age Test.

Maybe you were 40 on your last birthday, but your "real age" might be 35 or 45 or even 50. Take the test--be honest--and find out. Get tips to take months or years off your chronological age; you can have them sent to your email.

Stay healthy!

Tuesday Quote for the Week

2011-05-03T05:34:00.000-07:00

Dreams by Langston Hughes

Hold fast to dreams,
For if dreams die,
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly,

Hold fast to dreams,
For if dreams go,
Life is a barren field,
Frozen with snow

Reflections on the A to Z Blogging Challenge

2011-05-02T11:02:00.001-07:00

What, no more letters? Nothing past Z? I've gotten so used to crafting my blog posts around letters, I hardly know what to do.

The A to Z Challenge was amazing! I spent all my free time in April exploring the blogosphere. I feel like I've been on a mega-vacation, with over 1200 destinations and now I'm back, jet-lagged and spacey, my brain overflowing with memories of all the places I've visited.

I worked hard. I learned from other bloggers, even got my blog re-designed. I've met fascinating people. I've gained new followers. I'm addicted--can't wait until next year.

Z is for Zenith

2011-04-30T08:36:00.001-07:00

Yes, I have done it! Huffing and puffing, I have made it to the zenith, the summit of the A to Z Mountain. And I have visited all 1282 A to Z blogs. What a challenge, what fun.

In honor of my fellow Challenge Bloggers, here are 26 of the blogs I especially enjoyed. It was hard to choose, but I had to draw the line somewhere, and 26 seemed the appropriate number.

www.katieosullivan.blogspot.com Editor, author, mom, dog whisperer

www.thegoldeneaglesblog.blogspot.com Blogs about writing and science

www.abeginneragain.blogspot.com Former physician, current wannabe writer

www.fruitofmylabour.blogspot.com Life of a grandpa on a farm near Malaysian mountain range

www.survivingmiddle-agedwidowhood.blogspot.com Here’s a blog I follow regularly.

www.muruginjehia.blogspot.com Blog called Her World, with great pictures

www.dishwaterdreams.com Great writing tips and prompts

www.kitcourteney.blogspot.com Love her uncensored mutterings

www.meandering-martha.blogspot.com Really great posts. She also has recipes at www.seasidesimplicity.blogspot.com

www.candidcanine.blogspot.com All the news fit to bark about

www.billiemilholland.com I love the title of this blog—Mulled Whine.

www.laughatalzheimers.blogspot.com Yes, it’s possible to laugh at Alzheimers.

www.goldentosilver.blotspot.com Her banner says she’s a senior citizen, tightly clutching her sense of humor for dear life. You gotta love that, especially if you’re also a senior citizen, like me.

www.oaklawnimages.blogspot.com They do cards and prints. I love their beautiful photos.

www.queenofenglish.wordpress.com Call me crazy, but I love grammar.

www.kachlynda.wordpress.com This blogger loves history and writing.

www.neneng99701-lorena.blogspot.com Amazing photos

www.staceyarcher.wordpress.com Nice posts, good photos and great banner

www.michelleteacress.blogspot.com Aspiring author who loves to read

www.mynext20yearsofliving.blogspot.com Retired knitter (I didn’t know knitters retired) with interesting posts and pictures

www.contentforfoodies.blogspot.com Seems to know everything about food. Blogged about one food each day for the A to Z Challenge.

www.pleasewithease.blogspot.com Full title is Recipes that Please. Can you tell I like to eat?

www.anne-k-albert.blogspot.com Anne is a member of the SheWrites community. She and I have picked the same images for letters at least twice during the Challenge. Weird.

www.writercize.blogspot.com Neat exercises for writers/bloggers.

www.dafeenah-hiddentreasure.blogspot.com Blogger, cover designer, member of SheWrites community

www.bish-randomthoughts.blogspot.com Children’s writer from the Virgin Islands

Thanks to all the wonderful bloggers I've met this month. We did it!!!