Thursday Review: Website: Grief's Heart

Thomas Attig, an internationally acclaimed expert in bereavement and grief, is the author of two books on grieving, How We Grieve and The Heart of Grief, He tells us that bereavement and the grief that accompanies it, affect every aspect of our beings--physical, emotional, social, spiritual, behavioral. Our self-concept, our life story, is forever changed by our loss. In grieving, we relearn our world in every area of life. We learn a new self-identity, but we also find ways to relate to the one we've lost. His books are "heavy" reading, but his prfound understanding of what grief means and how we respond to it is eminently practical.

He views each life as a web of relationships--to objects, places, people, God. When one strand of that complex web is broken, the others are affected. Our spouse's tattered robe, the chair he sat in to watch TV, the music he played on the car radio, the restaurant where we celebrated special occasions, the children we raised together, our friendships, our plans, our dreams--all are reminders of what will never be again.

Attig's website, Grief's Heart (unfortunately, I don't have the symbols needed to link to it, but you can Google it)has excerpts from his books and other writing as well as video of his newest work.

Most important, he invites readers to share their grief stories and will post them on his site. Those of us who blog know the value and the emotional release of writing our experiences. Attig respects those experiences and gives us the opportunity to share them with others.

Here is a site that offers something to all of us who inhabit the widowsphere. I highly recommend that you visit it and partake of Attig's wisdom and comfort.

Book of the Week

The Phoenix Phenomenon: Rising from the Ashes of Grief by Joanne T. Jozefowski

I've decided to post books I've read that other widows might find helpful...or some just for fun.

This was highly recommended. The writing wasn't very personable; it sounded almost academic. On the other hand, the "fables" included about grievers were a bit cutesy.
That said, there was some good material dealing with what the author calls the stages of grief. They aren't the same as Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's stages but focus more on moving through grief to transformation. She focuses on those she calls Phoenix Grievers, who create a new life from the ashes of grief. I was especially interested in this because not long before he died, Ralph said to me, "You'll be all right. You'll do something good."

Her final chapter lists the "gifts" of grief, which I suppose many of us haven't thought about. She also includes a chapter on the grief our nation felt on 9/11.

Here's a quote she uses from Dean Koontz: "We need only choose by the way we live to celebrate those who loved us and who were loved."

Check out Amazon for some used copies for as little as 25 cents.

Of Shirts and Sadness

I've been a widow now for almost five years, so the early stages of grief and sadness are behind me. But sometimes, unexpectedly, grief hits me again like a punch in the gut.

Last Saturday I walked into a department store. I usually come into this store through the front door but I parked in the back that day because I wanted to walk over to Target afterward. The back entrance goes through the men's department. The first thing I saw was a display of long-sleeved men's shirts. Ralph always wore long sleeves, and my eyes lit on a shirt I knew he'd love. My hand stretched toward it...and suddenly it hit me: What the heck am I doing? He's gone. I stopped in my tracks as the grief washed over me and then I scurried through the rest of the men's department as fast as I could. On the way back out a few minutes later I walked around the center counter and past the t-shirts. He never bought t-shirts; he got plenty at computer shows, so I figured the way out was safe.

Does this happen to you? Sometimes it's hearing a song that was popular long ago; sometimes it's channel surfing and accidentally landing on a show we used to watch together; sometimes it's reading something in the newspaper I know he'd find funny or interesting. For months after he died I didn't listen to music, and there are some TV shows I've never watched again.

I'm glad these episodes don't happen as often as they used to, but I fear they'll always sneak up. Below is a quote that expresses it best:

"It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses." ~Colette

Read This

Just found this referenced on widownet.org. Check out www.abc.net.au and search for the health report on bereavement and grief on 14/01/2002. Very interesting interview that makes so much sense about grief. I'd love to hear your comments.