Washington Post Annual Contest: Funny!

 

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. The winners are:

 

1. Coffee (N.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (V.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (V.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (Adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (Adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (V.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (N.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (N.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (N.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (N.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (N.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon , a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (N.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (N.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (N.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

 

 

My Forever Home

 

I'm not sure if it was fate or just plain luck that I opened an invitation to a lunch to hear about a new senior living facility that was going up not far from my Meyerland home.  Senior living for me?  Living with a bunch of doddering old people?  I was still working, writing, driving, volunteering...but I had nothing planned for that day and besides, it was a free lunch.  Sure enough, when I walked in, I saw gray-haired people, some with rollators.  I couldn't possibly fit in.  But the meal was delicious, the marketing pitch intriguing and the new addition wouldn't be open for two years.  Plenty of time to think about it.

I thought about moving, visited several other senior living places and made the best decision of my life...well, of my elderly life.  I put down a deposit for a two-bedroom apartment at the future building and starting planning my move.

I know many people detest the idea of moving into "one of those places,."  but for me, it's been a pleasure.  One secret is to move before you have to, before you're too frail to partake of the activities and become part of the community.  There's lots to do here--a gym, exercise classes, a book club, bridge groups, Mah Jongg groups, Bingo, canasta, movies a bar, discussion groups, trips to museums, theaters and restaurants, speakers, performers, sing alongs--you name it.  We have it.  Of course, you choose the activities that appeal to you or no activities at all.  Brazos Towers is a friendly, welcoming community with lots of vibrant, interesting residents.  It's also a Continuum of Care community with a health center, assisted living and memory care when required.  We have valet service, transportation, housecleaning, maintenance.  All those pesky things you had to keep up your house are no longer necessary.  We even have a garden with space for residents to do their own planting.  See...you don't have to give up your yard; you just have to enjoy the outdoors.  Senior living is safe.  It's secure and in flood-prone Houston, we survived Harvey while watching the bayou across the street rise over its banks.

I've written about Brazos Towers because that's my forever home now, but most senior living spaces are similar and now, with an aging population, there are many to choose from.  I love where I live.  Visit a few, take a tour and don't be afraid to make the leap into a new stage of life.  Being here is sort of like high school.  We're high schoolers with wrinkles.

Books of May and June

 Rivers of Power is a long book about the effect of rivers on human populations.  It's not for everyone (unless you're interested in rivers) but I enjoyed it.

The Woman with the Blue Star.  A Polish Jewish family manages to escape from the Nazis and hide in the sewers.  Amid the sorrows, the daughter finds an unlikely friend, a Polish girl she glimpses through  a grate over the sewer.