L is for Quotes about Lemons...and What to Do if Life Gives you Some

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.  Cathy Guinusewine

When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.  Bill Waterson

When life gives you lemons, give them to me.  I love lemons.  Unknown

When life gives you lemons, ask why not limes?  Unknown

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.. and try to find someone whose life gives them vodka, and have a party.  Ron White

You may be given a load of sour lemons, why not try to make a dozen lemon meringue pies?  Maya Angelou

When life gives you lemons, invite your friends and ask them to bring salt and tequila Unknown

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice and sit back and watch the world ask how you did it.  Tori Truax

If you have some great lemon quotes, feel free to add them below.  One can never have too many quotes.

K is for Quotes about Kissing

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. ~Albert Einstein


A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That's basic spelling that every woman ought to know. ~Mistinguett (Jeanne Bourgeois), Theatre Arts, December 1955


  Kissing is a means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other. ~Rene Yasenek


 A  kiss that speaks volumes is seldom a first edition. ~Clare Whiting


I am in favor of preserving the French habit of kissing ladies' hands — after all, one must start somewhere. ~Sacha Guitry


In trying to get our own way, we should remember that kisses are sweeter than whine. ~Author Unknown


Stolen kisses require an accomplice. ~Just One Fool Thing After Another: A Cowfolks' Guide to Romance


The sound of a kiss is not so loud as that of a cannon, but its echo lasts a great deal longer. ~Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr., The Professor at the Breakfast-Table


 It takes a lot of experience for a girl to kiss like a beginner. ~Ladies Home Journal, 1948 I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children they just about throw up. ~Barbara Bush


 

J ia for Quotes about Jewelry

 Jewelry takes people's minds off your wrinkles.  ~Sonja Henie


  I have always felt a gift diamond shines so much better than one you buy for yourself.  ~Mae West


  I never worry about diets.  The only carrots that interest me are the number of carats in a diamond.  ~Mae West


 Don't ever wear artistic jewelry; it wrecks a woman's reputation.  ~Colette, Gigi, 1944, translated


No gold-digging for me; I take diamonds!  We may be off the gold standard someday.  ~Mae West


This diamond has so many carats it's almost a turnip.  ~Richard Burton

 I really think that American gentlemen are the best after all, because kissing your hand may make you feel very very good but a diamond and a sapphire bracelet lasts forever.  ~Anita Loos


  My husband gave me a necklace.  It's fake.  I requested fake.  Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.  ~Rita Rudner

 Diamonds are only chunks of coal,
That stuck to their jobs, you see.
~Minnie Richard Smith, "Stick to Your Job"

  I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.  They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.  ~Rita Rudner


  Not on one strand are all life's jewels strung.  ~William Morris


  When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure.  ~Peter Marshall


  There are three things extremely hard:  steel, a diamond, and to know one's self.  ~Benjamin Franklin


Proverbs are mental gems gathered in the diamond districts of the mind.  ~William R. Alger


  All art is autobiographical; the pearl is the oyster's autobiography.  ~Federico Fellini

 

I is for quotes about the Internet

The Internet is the world's largest library. It's just that all the books are on the floor. ~John Allen Paulos

 The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom. ~Jon Stewart

 Getting information off the Internet is like taking a drink from a fire hydrant. ~Mitch Kapor, variation of a quote by Jerome Weisner (Getting an education from MIT is like taking a drink from a fire hose.)


  Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. ~Author Unknown


 Looking at the proliferation of personal web pages on the Net, it looks like very soon everyone on Earth will have 15 megabytes of fame. ~M.G. Sriram


A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. ~Author Unknown


  The Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life. ~Andrew Brown

   Information on the Internet is subject to the same rules and regulations as conversation at a bar. ~George Lundberg


  We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare; now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true. ~Robert Wilensky, 1996


  The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting. ~Dave Barry


What do you call a doctor that fixes websites? A URLologist. ~Author Unknown

  Laying in bed this morning contemplating how amazing it would be if somehow Oscar Wilde and Mae West could twitter from the grave. ~Dita Von Teese


  On Twitter we get excited if someone follows us. In real life we get really scared and run away. ~Author Unknown


  The greatest thing about the internet is that you can quote something and just totally make up the source. ~Benjamin Franklin


 When I took office, only high energy physicists had ever heard of what is called the World Wide Web.... Now even my cat has its own page. ~Bill Clinton, 1996


 A blog is a message in a bottle, both in purpose and likely readership. ~Robert Brault, rbrault.blogspot.com


  There are three kinds of death in this world. There's heart death, there's brain death, and there's being off the network. ~Guy Almes


 YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook, are merging. The new program will be called YouTwitFace. ~Author Unknown


Internet users are flocking to the Vatican's new website (so they say). It turns out though, that most visitors are there to confess after visiting the Cindy Crawford site. Now, the faithful don't have to kiss the Pope's ring — you just double click on it. ~Author Unknown


If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check. ~Dan Quayle, attributed


 A blogger is an average person who happens to have a need to count his friends every half hour. ~Robert Brault, rbrault.blogspot.com


The Internet is the trailer park for the soul. ~Marilyn Manson


 

H is for quotes that make you say, "How true!"

If an article is attractive, or useful, or inexpensive, they'll stop making it tomorrow; if it's all three, they stopped making it yesterday. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960


Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure. ~Murphy's Law


  How is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person? ~François VI de la Rochefoucault


The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one. ~Erma Bombeck


  A bargain is something you can't use at a price you can't resist. ~Franklin P. Jones

 An unwatched pot boils immediately. ~H.F. Ellis


  Anything you lose automatically doubles in value. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966


  Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics. ~Author Unknown


Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. ~Author Unknown


 The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance. ~Author Unknown


It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. ~Author Unknown 

People who snore always fall asleep first. ~Author Unknown

 The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. ~Author Unknown


The trouble with, "A place for everything and everything in its place" is that there's always more everything than places. ~Robert Brault,


  It's annoying to be disapproved of by people who know only half the story, especially when you're not sure which half they know. ~Robert Brault, rbrault.blogspot.com

G is for Quotes about Gossip

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.  ~Alice Roosevelt Longworth


  What is told in the ear of a man is often heard 100 miles away.  ~Chinese Proverb


 No one gossips about other people's secret virtues.  ~Bertrand Arthur William Russell, On Education, 1926


  When you are in trouble, people who call to sympathize are really looking for the particulars.  ~Edgar Watson Howe, Country Town Sayings, 1911


The easiest way to keep a secret is without help.  ~Author Unknown


The Puritan's idea of hell is a place where everybody has to mind his own business.  ~Wendell Phillips, attributed


Do not repeat anything you will not sign your name to.  ~Author Unknown


Show me someone who never gossips, and I'll show you someone who isn't interested in people.  ~Barbara Walters


Gossip needn't be false to be evil - there's a lot of truth that shouldn't be passed around.  ~Frank A. Clark


It is one of my sources of happiness never to desire a knowledge of other people's business.  ~Dolley Madison


I It isn't what they say about you, it's what they whisper.  ~Errol Flynn


 Trying to squash a rumor is like trying to unring a bell.  ~Shana Alexander


  A rumor without a leg to stand on will get around some other way.  ~John Tudor


The biggest liar in the world is They Say.  ~Douglas Malloch


Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.  ~Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richard's Almanack, July 1735


There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world, and the worst of it is that half of them are true.  ~Winston Churchill

 

F is for Quotes about Food (Are you hungry already?)

 High-tech tomatoes. Mysterious milk. Supersquash. Are we supposed to eat this stuff? Or is it going to eat us? ~Annita Manning

Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it. ~Author Unknown  

 The bagel, an unsweetened doughnut with rigor mortis. ~Beatrice & Ira Freeman

 You can say this for ready-mixes — the next generation isn't going to have any trouble making pies exactly like mother used to make. ~Earl Wilson

 Never work before breakfast; if you have to work before breakfast, eat your breakfast first. ~Josh Billings

 A bagel is a doughnut with the sin removed. ~George Rosenbaum

 Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography. ~Robert Byrne

 It's bizarre that the produce manager is more important to my children's health than the pediatrician. ~Meryl Streep

 Worries go down better with soup. ~Jewish Proverb

 Food is an important part of a balanced diet. ~Fran Lebowitz, Metropolitan Life, "Food for Thought and Vice Versa"

 We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons. ~Alfred E. Newman

 If God had intended us to follow recipes,
He wouldn't have given us grandmothers.
~Linda Henley

  There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's a wife who can't cook and will. ~Robert Frost

  Hey yogurt, if you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera? ~Attributed to Stephen Colbert

 A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch. ~James Beard

 You can find your way across this country using burger joints the way a navigator uses stars. ~Charles Kuralt

 Condensed milk is wonderful. I don't see how they can get a cow to sit down on those little cans. ~Fred Allen

 The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. ~Calvin Trillin

  The story of barbecue is the story of America: Settlers arrive on great unspoiled continent, discover wondrous riches, set them on fire and eat them. ~Vince Staten

 If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? ~Author Unknown

 Tell me what you eat, I'll tell you who you are. ~Jean Anthelme Brillat-Savarin

 Pre-heat the oven? Really? If I was the sort of person who planned ahead, I wouldn't be eating this Totino's Party Pizza in the first place. ~Adam Peterson

I'm not sure what makes pepperoni so good — if it's the pepper or the oni. ~S.A. Sachs

The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again. ~George Miller

 A converted cannibal is one who, on Friday, eats only fishermen. ~Emily Lotney

Philosophers have often looked for the defining feature of humans — language, rationality, culture, and so on. I'd stick with this: Man is the only animal that likes Tabasco sauce. ~Paul Bloom, How Pleasure Works: The New Science of Why We Like What We Like

 Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing. ~Walt Kelly 

 

 I'll bet what motivated the British to colonize so much of the world is that they were just looking for a decent meal. ~Martha Harrison

 Practice safe eating — always use condiments. ~Author Unknown

 Cheese — milk's leap toward immortality. ~Clifton Fadiman