Birthday

March 1 is/was Ralph's birthday. This year would have been the beginning of a new decade for him. I wish he could be here to celebrate.

He would have loved all the new technology--IPhones, IPads, Windows 7, faster, smaller, fancier cameras. Would he be into texting, twittering, friending? I doubt it, but he would have known the ins and outs of every software program and every new gimmick.

He would have loved to talk about 2008's never-ending Presidential campaign and to complain about the do-nothing Congress of today. The stock market crash wouldn't have fazed him; he was an optimistic guy.

He would be relieved to know that The Monster, his scary enormous philodendron that takes up half the patio, is still around. I have kept my promise not to murder it. He'd be happy that Tiki, his cat, is as playful as ever. Every night around 9:00 she and Toby, my cat, chase each other around the house, jump in and out of the bathtub and then curl up on the bed next to each other.

How he would love to see Gabriella, our granddaughter. Eleven years old now, she'll be starting middle school in September. The last time he saw her was a few weeks before he died. Children weren't allowed on the bone marrow transplant floor, but his wonderful doctor arranged for a special wheelchair so Ralph could go downstairs to the lobby and see Gabriella one last time. On the way back to his room, he said, "I hope she won't forget me." She hasn't and I'm sure she never will.

Most of all, he'd be proud of me and that I'm getting along on my own. Often stumbling along the way, I think I'm better than we both expected. I miss him every day. I wish we could celebrate this birthday together. Since we can't, I'll light a birthday candle and think of him and know, somehow, he's thinking of me, too. Love never fails.

Quote for the Week

Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
Alfred Souza

Comfort Food

Do you have a comfort food?

Mine is Hagen Daz coffee ice cream. I zip to the store to buy a pint (or preferably a quart) if I'm sad, angry, sick, disappointed, or just plain grumpy. Last summer I was at Walgreens, searching the freezer, when a clerk told me they were discontinuing Hagen Daz coffee. I rushed home and fired off an e-mail to Hagen Daz, pleading with them not to destroy my comfort mainstay, and found, to my relief, that it was only being discontinued by Walgreens, not the entire universe. Sigh of relief.

My next favorite comfort food is French toast with jam, usually if I'm sick.

When Ralph was hospitalized, I indulged myself in daily smoothies, usually accompanied by a large cookie, either chocolate chip or peanut butter. A year later, I returned to M.D. Anderson Hospital for an appointment with my G-I specialist, who had moved there from another hospital but was still seeing his former, non-cancer patients. I hated being in that building but decided to treat myself to a smoothie to relieve my stress. God, it was awful. So sweet I ended up tossing most of it into the trash. How did I consume one every day? I guess I needed the sugar high at the time.

One food I don't eat, alas, is chocolate. It gives me migraine so the most I can do is imagine it.

How do people choose comfort foods? To remind them of childhood? To load up on carbs? To give them a way to focus, even for a few minutes, on something besides their troubles? Whatever the reason, everyone seems to have one. What's yours?

Quote for the Week

If you think you can do a thing or think you can't do a thing, you're right.
Henry Ford

Valenrtine's Day

On Valentine's Day I think of Ralph and grieve that he isn't here to share the day that celebrates love and lovers. I am alone and yet I have memories to cherish.

Our first date was on Valentine's weekend, and Ralph arrived bearing a card...with my name misspelled: Thema. He would never have made it past round one in a spelling bee and for many years he called Gayle, our office manager, to check on spellings of words he was using in proposals.

Somewhere near the end of our time together, he totally forgot about Valentine's Day. I had placed a Valentine on his plate at breakfast, and he didn't have one for me. I glared at him. After breakfast he disappeared. A few minutes later he returned and handed me a Valentine he'd rushed to the drug store and bought. "Doesn't count," I told him. He never forgot again.

On our final Valentine's Day together, he gave me a card with the quotation above from First Corinthians. I framed it and keep it on my desk to remember that love doesn't vanish with the physical body. It remains, endures, comforts.

To all of you who are spending this Valentine's Day alone, my wish that you celebrate by remembering the love you shared, the love that will never disappear.

Quote for the Week

It Takes Time to Heal
Ted Hibbard

It takes time to heal.
Build a bridge
from now to tomorrow.
Sink the piers
deep into the Earth
Pour in concrete
day by day
a little at a time
and let it set.

It takes time to heal.
It may feel very awkward
as if you're making empty promises
as if you're simply spanning empty space.

But someday, somehow, somewhere
you'll find yourself
upon a brand new shore
glancing back at the bridge
which you alone have built.

It takes time to heal.

Read This

Just found this referenced on widownet.org. Check out www.abc.net.au and search for the health report on bereavement and grief on 14/01/2002. Very interesting interview that makes so much sense about grief. I'd love to hear your comments.