Relationships, Part 2: Widowhood

Monday I wrote about the conference I attended in Austin and what I took away from it as a writer. Today I want to extend that, because I found that everything I learned about writers' relationships applied to me as a widow as well.

It's all about relationships, isn't it? As a widow, you've lost the most intimate and important relationship you had. Life will never be the same again. Even when your grief subsides a bit, you'll never recapture that same bond. Not even if you remarry.

So what's left?

For me, relationships helped me build the foundation of a new life--not the life I'd have chosen but the only one I have. My family, friends, colleagues gave me support when I needed it most. But, as the writers' conference panelists emphasized, relationships go both ways. I had to learn to stand on my own and not rely on others all the time, even when I wanted to. The past few weeks, wiped out from an upper respiratory infection, I've had an overwhelming urge to pick up the phone, call everyone I know and whine at them. But I haven't--at least not much.

And what does the new social landscape tell us as widows? Facebook gives us a chance to connect with old friends, keep up with far-flung acquaintances and relatives. One of the conference panelists compared Facebook to a family reunion and Twitter to a cocktail party. I don't tweet, so I can't speak to that. But I do know that the Internet has allowed me to expand my relationships. I've met people through the She Writes community, which has a group for every genre, every niche. Through my blog, I've connected with other widows, exchanged ideas with the people who really understand what widowhood is about. Those two connections have become vitally important to me.

I think you have to use this new medium wisely. It's easy to become so engrossed in blogging, tweeting, commenting, linking that you lose sight of why you're doing this in the first place. Don't let it keep you from your real writing or, God forbid, make it a substitute for living.

Be honest and open but be safe. As a widow, you're alone and maybe vulnerable. We hear too many sad tales of people whose lives have been shattered by on-line scams or romances. We've already been through one tragedy; we can't risk another.

But internet friendships haven't replaced real-life friendships--laughing over lunch, sharing jokes only you and your pals "get," making plans, and yes, gossiping. My friendships go back to elementary school. And there's my family. There's no bond that goes so deep. Keep it strong.

Relationships: Part 1

"No man is an island," said John Donne.

No woman is either.

I spent the weekend in Austin at a writer's conference. Yes, there were workshops on e-publishing, self-publishing, tradiditional publishing, on how to craft the perfect pitch, query, synopsis...but more than ever, the emphasis was on crafting relationships.

We think of writing as a solitary professions, of writers as hermits, holed up in their studies with only a computer for company. Not so much, say the experts. Long gone are the days when Thoreau could sit at Walden Pond and think of nothing but nature and writing.

This post will deal with the relationship aspect of writing; tomorrow I want to apply what I learned to widowhood. This is a widow's blog, after all.

For writers, most speakers stressed the importance of social media to a writer's success. It's crucial to be accessible. When I wrote romance, I used to get fan mail every now and then. It takes time for a reader to sit down, write a letter, find an address and put the letter in the mail. Now, in 30 seconds a reader can send off an e-mail, comment on a blog, like a page on Facebook or tweet directly to an author. You the writer can post your news, pub date, upcoming releases, even pictures of the dog that inspired a character in your latest novel.

Relationships extend to agents, editors, publishers, publicists, book store owners, media outlets...I guess, the world. Yes, writers, the world is at your fingertips.

In many ways this is quite wonderful; in others, scary. We are never alone, never far from public scrutiny. If you don't want it on YouTube, don't do it. Don't even think it.

The most important thing I took away from all this was that relationships are not to be abused. They're two-way. If you think of your relationships as only something to use for your own benefit, you're missing the message. Like all good friendships, they are as much about giving as getting. If you let readers in on your world, make sure you're as honest with these people you can't see as you are with your best friend. Make sure you are respectful of people who take the time to reach out to you.

The guy who was sitting next to me at a workshop, gestured toward the panel of agents who were set to speak. "They think we're the enemy," he remarked. I disagreed. I don't think he got it. In this world, there are no enemies. We're all allies and must treat one another as such.

And how to I apply this to widowhood? Stop back tomorrow. Thanks for reading.