Interview with Brenda Lee Boitson, Widow since 2008

Tell us about your background as a widow.
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> My husband I were married in February 2007. In June 2008, Kevin started developing a sore throat, and the pain quickly increased. By August he was on life support at Johns Hopkins. He was diagnosed with a rare Angiosarcoma tumor of his esophagus and stomach. October 2008 he succumbed the disease, and life quickly changed for me. I was 24 at the time, he was 36 when he passed. We had moved back in with my parents when he first became ill, as we both had to quit our jobs: him because of his illness, and me to become his fulltime caretaker. I stayed living with my parents for several months, and did not go back to work until January. It gave me time to take some trips and really decide how I wanted to restart round two of my life.
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> Being widowed so young with children to take care of must be especially
> hard. How have you managed?
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> We did not have any children. When he became ill, I kept praying I would find out I was pregnant, and then when we found out his chemotherapy treatment would take any chances of us having children, I was devastated. Since his passing, I have learned to be grateful for not having that opportunity, as I have seen so many other widows struggle with the single motherhood role.
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> What has been the hardest for you?
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> The most difficult thing for me has been not being able to talk to Kevin. We talked about everything and had great lines of communication. He was my best friend, my confidante, my lover. We were perfect counterparts for one another, and not being able to pick up the phone to chat, or send him a loving text, or just to hear his voice has been one of the biggest losses. At this point, nearly two years out, I would love to have him back on earth not even as my husband, but just to know that he is here and available to listen to me. If that meant I could get him back, I would take it.
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> What gets you through the day?
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> The love he had for me. He loved me, as I did him, more intensely than I ever imagined "true love" to be. We met online, and struggled through a 2000 mile long distance relationship. Ultimately we had to go through immigration to get married (He was Canadian, I am American), and we cherished our time together. It was nothing short of divinity that brought us together from such unique circumstances. I am empowered by the love he taught me. I now continue to work towards Grief & Sarcoma Awareness so that other people can face this journey with more resources than what I had.
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> Where are you in your journey through grief?
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> I am nearly two years out, and I am in a new relationship. I met a great man at a Haiti benefit fundraiser about 6 months ago, and we have been together ever since. I did not believe that I would ever find a love as intense as what Kevin and I had, but this love is different. It is of its' own, as all love stories are. I still talk to Kevin often in my thoughts, visit his grave, and continue to mourn his loss. It strikes me down at surprising moments, unlike before, when it hit often and hard. Now it is mostly subtle, with painful reminders that help me to reflect upon the great life that I had. But now I know that round two can be just as fruitful, and that now I am equipped with many more tools to bring to life's hardships.
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> What resources have you found to help?
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> Online forums, Hospice support groups, and getting involved in starting a local Team Sarcoma event have all helped me. Finding other young widows has been the most difficult. Being a widow in my 20's puts me in a very "unrelatable" group. I have had to adjust to the groups who are often twice my age, understanding that what it comes down to it, we all have experienced this horrific loss, we all will go through similar emotions, but all in very different ways.
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> How has widowhood changed you?
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> I am much more sympathetic to those going through difficult situations. I feel like cancer has continually touched my life, and I am more in tune to those battling this disease, and those who have lost loved ones to this disease. I have become an advocate for change in how we discuss grief, hoping that we get away from the "I'm sorry"s and "I understand" cliched responses, and move forward with being real to people in their grief.
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> Tell us about your blogging experience. What inspired you to start
> blogging? Who follows your blog-mostly young widows? Others?
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> I began blogging when Kevin first became ill to help me make sure all of our friends and family were getting the correct information on what was happening. Before this, I had read http;//cfhusband.blogspot.com and that really gave me the backbone to start a medical related blog. I have since continued to blog about my journey through widowhood. Surprisingly, the general public, versus widows, reads my blog. Everyone in some way can relate to grief; whether through the loss of a dream, the loss of a person, or just experiencing a depressing time. The symptoms of grief are much like the symptoms anyone experiences in any type of hardship of life.
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> One piece of advice you'd give to widows of any age.
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> Don't stop. Keep moving, even if it's "wrong" in society's eyes, even if everyone questions you. You can only do what you are equipped to handle, and in widowhood that means a carte blanche to be able to do what you want. Take advantage of these moments to start over, and allow yourself time to feel everything when it comes to you. Don't push it away.

Note: Brenda blogs at www.crazywidow.info