Holiday Rules for Widows, Widowers and Others Who are Grieving

Holidays can be tough, especially when you're grieving.  My husband died in the fall of 2005 so this is my 14th holiday season without him.  Along the way I've developed some helpful hints for those who have lost someone dear to them.  See especially #9.

Thelma Zirkelbach’s Top Eleven Rules

For Navigating the Rough Seas of Widowhood,

Especially During the Holidays

11.`   “Put your own mask on first.”  Take care of yourself.  Don’t put yourself at risk for illness, so don’t skip your check-ups. mammogram,  Don’t forget to take your medications.  Exercise.  Eat properly.

2.    

   2.  Don’t allow yourself to become the “reclusive widow.”  Women who socialize with other women friends are among the healthiest females.  If your friends seem to be forgetting you, call them.  And don’t forget your furry friends.  They can be a great source of comfort.

33.      Therapy:  If you feel you need it, find a grief group or seek individual counseling.  The purpose of a grief group should be to help you eventually come to terms with your loss.  If nothing else, use book therapy.  There are loads of books on the widowhood experience, on coping with grief, on advice for widows.

44    You’re alone, so get a Life Alert button or other type of system that will call 911 in an emergency and if you don’t have one, be sure to get an alarm system for your home..

55.     Gather all your important papers together so that when your time comes, your surviving spouse or children will be able to put their hands on them quickly.  You may want to include advanced directives, will, insurance policies, funeral plans, credit card information, passwords, safe deposit key, IRA.

66.      Have “The Conversation.”  Clarify how you want your final days to go—palliative care, heroic treatment, hospice, resuscitation.  Do this with your spouse while you are both alive and healthy.  Include your children and/or anyone else who might be involved in making decisions for you.

77.      You don’t have to do everything at once.  Some things are urgent—probate, social security, etc. but you don’t have to write all you thank you notes in one day.  You don’t have to clean out his closet right after he died (I took two years)

88.      Pamper yourself.  Soak in a bubble bath.  Read a beach book. Try something new. Make a bucket list. Think of something you’ve always wanted to do but never had time for.  Do it.  Think of something small that will make you happy or that will memorialize your loved one.  Plant a garden or just one pot; volunteer in an area related to your spouse’s illness. 

99.      Holidays can be difficult.  Think about how you will spend them.  Consider spending some time in which each person at the holiday gathering tells something s/he remembers about your spouse.  If holidays are painful, start a new holiday tradition.

110.  At the end of the day think of any good things that have happened—a smile from a stranger, an offer of help from someone you never expected to hear from, a memory that made you laugh.  Tally them up or write them down.

111.  Consider writing an ethical will or legacy letter.